Many things
have changed since I was five. Of course the physical, everyone has gotten
taller, the other girls at the gym have gotten stronger, as have I. My hair has
been long, and then short, layered, curled straightened and plastered to my
head. My legs now have scares from the shaving and the uneven bars, and my
hands have been hardened over from the bars as well. My teeth have been
chipped, cleaned and whitened for different reasons and the biggest thing. I
have started to wear make-up.
My physical
appearance is not the only thing that has changed, I've changed
emotionally and the way I appear socially. My heart has been broken, my days
have been made, and I have laughed so hard that I've cried. I've been
so mad that I said things I didn't mean and I've meant
everything I didn't say. My emotions have changed every day of my
life. Where as when I was five I was just happy all the time, because Jesus was
the only boy I liked and I was so innocent.
Lastly my
social appearance, I used to not care what people thought about me, I had my
best friend, and she was all I needed. Then after fourth grade, my worst
enemies had become my best friends. I've made new friends through the
years, and for different reasons I've lost friends. When I was five I
was quiet and shy, now I’m loud and friendly, and even now I don’t care what
people think about me most of the time.
See when I was
five I was innocent, I hadn't liked any boys, they all still had
cooties. Until you entered my life I don’t remember meeting you, or first
liking you or learning your name. You've just been there. You have
always been just there. At least, from what I could see, you showed up to
church every Sunday and I saw you at all the church events. You were always
that constant, the one thing that didn't change. Yes, you got taller,
more muscular, you have bleached your hair, had braces, but you have always
been that little boy that I liked.
You have been
just like me, you have changed emotionally and socially, but through everything,
you were that one thing that seemed to stay the same. I got the same excited
feeling every time you actually remembered my name, or complimented me, and
even though we had never really had a conversation, I always felt as though, if
I had to, I could talk to you, and you would listen and understand. However, as
I said, things have changed since I was five.
It’s been ten
years and I always knew things would change. We have talked, you do know my
name and you say that we are friends. Now I can see it all, you have changed…
everything. I’m not talking physical either. I’m talking about you, yourself,
your personality, the way you see things and so on, and I’m hoping I’m not
right. Because that little boy, the one who was my first crush, the one that didn't know my name, the one that had a baseball or soccer game every week,
that boy that I just described, he is the one that made me forget that boys had
cooties.
That little
boy is the one who has had my heart for the last ten years whether he has
wanted it or not, but that little boy doesn't exist anymore. Over the years I
have regretted you learning my name; I've regretted even trying to be your
friend. You have built up so many walls, and they are just high enough that I
can seem to get over one, but when you want, you can stick your head over and
say “hi” and the walls are so strong that I can’t break through them either.
You have
regretfully created your own opinion of me through what others have told you,
and the person you think you see all the time. I can see the judgmental glances
you give and the reasons behind the distance. That little boy that I thought I
knew has changed.
I thought I
had chosen a great soccer player, bass player, wonderful, strong man of God,
and I had done it all when I was five. The only problem is that little boy that
I had chosen is gone.
So I just have
to ask what happened to him, please tell me because I would like to know. Every
week for the last two months we have come together for scrooge and that’s what
first made me see you had changed. Now, we've all worked up for this moment,
opening night. My make-up is done, my costume is on and I’m ready to get out
there and pretend to be someone else, and maybe if I’m lucky, while I’m someone
else you might change your mind about me.
I used to not
care what people thought about me, but your opinion seems to be the only one
that matters to me anymore- In the middle of the sentence, I stop writing and
look up to you. Our eyes meet, is that good or bad? I want to say now, “I wish
you would just hear my side, all that I've been through, listen and understand.
Once you have listened, and then develop your own opinion about me. Or just be
the friend you say you are and not listen to anyone else’s opinions.” However,
I hold it in as I always do; I look down and start writing again.
“What are you
writing?” I hear you ask. I look at the piece of paper in my hand and start to
hand it over as I finish writing it.
“Read the first sentence out loud please.” You
give me a weird look and do as you were instructed. You read allowed, “A lot of
things have changed since I was five.” You look at me, as if you know where
it’s going and look down to finish reading. I shrug my shoulders figuring you’d
end up reading it anyways.
