The Last Goodbye

Every weekend it was the same, early mornings picking him up and late nights dropping him off. After years of going through the same routine, Sarah’s family was used to the separation between them and her father.

There were times when he was home for longer than three days and when that happened family got dysfunctional. Although he was lucky to be home for another day, their lives continued on. There was an endless schedule that didn’t involve him, while he was home he would hope for quality time with the family but it never happened and he wasn’t in their schedules anymore. So the only thing that he could do was catch up on sleep until it was time for him to be dropped off so he could go to the next destination to pick up or drop off a load.

One week everything changed, it was a week that would change their lives, if only they had known. There was a broken seat and a random speed bum, a huge bounce, a click and a painful but silent snap and crack.

That weekend when he came home he complained that his back hurt. If Sarah knew what was really going on with his back at that very moment, she wouldn’t let the last goodbye happen, but instead she was a part of the very scene.

The light flickered on, in a soft voice their mother asked if they wanted to come to say goodbye to their father. Sarah said yes and because of that her angry little brother and sister were dragged along. They all walked sleepily out to the van in their bathrobes and slippers with blankets around their backs.

The van was freezing but the blanket was warm. All fived packed into their five-month old van. Opening her eyes once again Sarah was in the Meijer’s’ parking lot. There was a huge semi right in front of the van; it was all white except a red STAR logo on the trailer.

A door slamed and the van shook, then there’s a second slam and the van shook again. The massive truck suddenly came to life with a roar and enormous glowing lights shine through the windshield of the van.

The van door slid open as a strong wind whipped right through the inside. To her left there he stood, her hero, the one who got them a better home, the one who had sacrificed so much and there he was to personally say goodbye. He came around to each child except the youngest who wouldn’t wake up.

After he closed the door he hugged his wife and they started to go their separate ways for three painful weeks. Not knowing that would be his last time out on the road. As they drove away Sarah watched her father manover the truck out of the parking lot. Once they got to the highway there was one big sound of the horn as everything that was to happen in the next three years was being set in motion. Sarah waved goodbye to her father, even though he couldn’t see her and sometime down the road he waved goodbye back, for the last time.

Spies (Part One)

Massive metal doors opened and sitting in front of her was her boss, The Chief. His office was large with two large paintings, hiding safes. The couch hadn’t been moved completely back and was showing the entrance to an escape. Agent 316 clicked the couch pack into place as she walked past it. When she reached the chief’s desk she slammed her hands down. “Chief we need to talk.”

“What is it 316?”

“Umm, I’m just going to be honest, I DO NOT agree with sending an agent in ALONE on a mission. Especially the one we had all waited to be assigned for years!”

“316 you have to understand 18 is our best agent, and I have full confidence that she can handle this mission on her own.”

“Chief, from the very first day, our team agreed that no matter what we would not go out there alone. EVER.”

“Well I’m sorry, but when I assigned it to her and she found out she would be by herself she didn’t even give me a chance to tell her that it’s risky.”

“Chief, she could die.”

“And you were once the leader of the team she was on… now she’s all alone, if I would have sent her out there with 27, she could die anyways. Although two great agents and once were apart of your same team, they have become too different and would ultimately lead each other to their death. 18 has no choice, but to do it alone or with her team and as of now she doesn’t have a team.”

“What about 27’s team?”

“She’s still training one, they are growing strong but they are not ready for a mission like this.”

“So you are sending 18 to her death?”

“I gave her the choice, you didn’t.”



2 Years Ago…

Massive metal doors opened and sitting in front of her was her boss, The Chief. His office was large with two large paintings, hiding safes. The couch hadn’t been moved completely back and was showing the entrance to an escape. Agent 316 clicked the couch pack into place as she walked past it. When she reached the chief’s desk she crossed her arms and let out a cough letting the chief know she was there.

The Chief turned around, “yes thank you agent 54 I’ll let them know.” He set down the phone and looked up, “Ahh, 316 just the person I wanted to see.” He said pleasantly grabbing a file off of his desk. He handed her the file. “We have a new agent. You are to train her. Her first mission is in exactly one month, can you have her ready by then?”

Looking at the new agents file and closing it quickly she nodded. “Yes I think I can have her ready by then.”

“Good, but before you give her any training to the way your team runs, make sure she works well with the other agents.”

“Sir, how exactly am I supposed to do that?”

“I don’t know, girl bonding… take the girls out to dinner, have a good time.”

She paused for a second and then nodded, “yes sir.” And with that 316 left picking up a knocked over picture frame on her way out, and the door opened for her. “One month,” she whispered to herself. “Oh dear.”

Wasting no time 316 did as she was instructed, the whole team had dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant. They all met dressed up, agent 316 had told the girls that she had an announcement to make when scheduling the dinner, so the girls were anxious for their fearless leader to arrive.

When she arrived there was a girl, not a woman, a girl dressed in a short homecoming style dress. She had shoulder length dirty blonde hair, very thin and childlike. The entire team sat in silence as 316 walked up to them. Her curly blonde hair bounced with every step she took in her four inch heels. 18 stood up without hesitation, there were no outsiders in their group and 316 knew that. “Sophia what are you doing, we can’t…” she whispered angrily.

“It’s okay,” Sophia nodded, “She’s with us.” All eyebrows raised, “but for safety reasons we can re-introduce later by numbers, lets give names.”

“Gabrielle, this is Chloe (11), Becca, (18) Then there’s Ellie,(21) but she couldn’t make it. We used to have two more, but Stephanie left for family reasons and Lindsey (27) got offered her own team. So this is us… the four, well five now.”

“Girls, this is Gabi. I’m teaching her the ropes at work, and she may be a part of our team.”

“How soon will she be… working with us?” Becca stood in defense to her team, hoping it would be a while.

“One month.” Sophia looked around the table had shocked expressions on their faces. Quickly Sophia wondered if she had just destroyed her team by accepting the Chiefs’ assignment. Although the worry that the best team in the agency may just have started to be destroyed; Sophia continued with the training of her new agent, agent 4.

The month flew by fast, and soon the team started to bond. It was one day during the training that started the bonding. Becca took Gabrielle to their church one Sunday as a part of her training. It was more to be a part of the group, and get a feel of how things went with them. Every Sunday they went to church together and sat in the second row and in the section all the way to the right of the sanctuary. One day Becca decided to stay late and help with the church production of Scrooge. That day the girls started to bond and share secrets while painting the background of the scenery.

Soon after that day at church everyone else seemed to bond nicely, at church, at Sunday night dinners, and during the worst days of training. Sleepovers started, then pictures and the secret chats on the telephone. Constant training took place and Sophia never had to finish the job on her own. The team was by her side training their newest accepted team member.

Training was a success.

The next year they spent together was a complete success, no matter what they did, what problem they came against during a mission. They survived, and won. Nobody got hurt, because they each covered each other when they were in different situations. They were a team, but not just a team they were best friends, sisters. They shared everything sometimes even blood. At the end of the year there was a picture taken (two or three free agents joined the picture due to other times when they came through) the picture was the best friends in the agency, and the best team in the agency.

Soon after that picture was taken things started to change though, Sophia decided to take a break and settle down, she then gave Chloe the title of Captain. Although the girls saw her at church and they still sat together, the team was… awkward. Soon after Sophia decided to settle down, so did Ellie and Chloe. The team was then left with only two.

The girls held onto the title of best team in the agency. Even though there were only two of them, they had been trained by some of the best agents ever seen in the agency and therefore got through everything. Survived everything. Beat everything.

Through the year alone they came to realize that nothing would ever be the same, but that was okay, they had each other. They agreed they would never leave until they were both ready. But like the others things got in the way and agent 4 had a choice to make.

Spies (Part Two)

After a ton of phone calls, messages and even talking during a secret mission, 18 let 4 go ahead with her life. 18 was disappointed but she hoped one day they could all be a team again, maybe from separate parts of the world and years away, but some day.

It was her fourth week without any sort of team, without anyone of her own to train, and without a best friend by her side it was that week that she got a call. Massive metal doors opened and sitting in front of her was her boss, The Chief. His office was large with two large paintings, hiding safes. The couch hadn’t been moved completely back and was showing the entrance to an escape. Agent 18 clicked the couch back into place as she walked past it. When she reached the chief’s desk she sat down in the chairs and asked what it was he wanted her to do.

As he told her, her eyes widened. It was the mission they all wanted they had all hoped for. After years of being a team she was finally getting the mission they wanted and she was all alone.

“Yes I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,”

“If you fail, you know what that means right?”

18 shook her head, she didn’t want to think about what would happen if she were to fail, to get caught. Failure was not an option. She shook hands with the Chief and turned around as he wished her good luck…

Present…

“Chief that’s not even fair to say, I have a life outside of this agency.”

“Yeah, do you ever think that 18’s life was the agency, and it has remained so… and in saying that you were a part of her life.”

“Fine, but tell me where she is. You do know where she is right? I have 11 and 27 in the car, 4 is on her way.” There was a beep, “she’s here, and we are going after 18.”

Dodging alarms, and dogs, already past the car chase (that happened just a few days ago) there she sat at the sneakiest part of the whole mission. The part of sneaking around in the vents… this was practically it. One wrong step and she could be done, she wished she had her girls by her side; they could be the ones checking around every corner and looking for ways to get in and out fast. The mission was supposed to last a whole week and she was only on day four, to get caught now would be horrible. The fact that it lasted so long was what made it so dangerous and risky. It’s what made the team want it so badly.

Taking a step toward the only exit choice she had, she forgot about the water that had collected on the floor when she first came in (it was raining). There was a slip and a slam, knocking over the china in the cabinet of the villainous house. There was a crash as a plate hit the floor, and the alarm sounded as it crossed the line. Next a quick snap was heard as the rest of the cabinet opened and a small flicker of light as the first stage of the alarm was starting. Then there was the bright flashing red and yellow lights that could blind someone and that’s when she knew, she was caught red handed. There was no getting out, without a miracle. Immediately she wished her girls had been there. Then looking up, there he was, the Dr. himself.

Quickly she stood up hoping she could make a run for it before he and she were face to face. She turned around and there they were the security. Her worst fears were coming true; there was no way she was going to make it out alive.

When the girls arrived the first thing they noticed was that there was no security at the door. The second thing was the flashing red and yellow lights that were blinding them, something had gone wrong and they had to get in there. Looking around they realized that the only way they knew how to get in without setting off anymore alarms and sending the guards straight to them, was to go up.

Finally getting a view of the foyer from the sun roof they could see 18 alone completely surrounded. The Dr. was obviously at the part of discussing either what he was going to do with her, or why she was here to stop him, which she obviously already knew, but he wanted to rub it in her face. She didn’t even flinch as he got close and personal, spitting in her face.

“I trained her well.” 316 said watching and waiting for the perfect time.

“Don’t forget we’ve all had to go through that, we’ve all been caught at one point, thank God for our team.” 4 said remembering the day of the first time she got captured, it was intentional, but she was still terrified, and the urge to show fear kept creeping up on her. But she had remained calm; just as she was watching 18 do at the moment. The only difference between the situations 18 is in at the moment and the time 4 had gotten caught… 4 knew she was going to be rescued while he was telling her how she was going to die. 18 is thinking at the moment that she knows she’s going to die.

The Dr. turns his back and 316 knows where he’s leading her, the guards disperse looking for the rest of 18’s team, even though she probably told him already that she’s alone and there’s no need for it, but of course he doesn’t listen.

That was their moment to go...

Together they stood outside of the door. Through a tiny window they could see 18 standing there ready for the first of his many steps to the end (the girls never got to the end he just always explained it). 18’s eyes move toward the door and the girls back up knowing they can’t risk her getting surprised, excited or relieved and accidentally leading the Dr. to find them. The Dr. crossed the room and they knew what was next. They quickly moved to the hallways dispersing until they knew he was upstairs getting ready for his “long night ahead”. Once the pitter patters of his footsteps were gone they opened the door and there she stood. Hands tied behind her back, tape over her mouth. A position they had seen her in so many times, but never had they seen such a look of relief on her face.

Taking their normal route out of the mansion carrying a note with tape on it, typing in the code to the house the front door unlocks. The girls giggle, “he really needs to change that, how long have we snuck out through the front door?” and to finish off their normal routine they left the note.

Dr.

Sorry, but you’ve lost again. 18 never lied to you, she didn’t know we were coming, and though she may be back to take you again, we will be in and out as we please. So here is a warning, watch out cause you never know when we may be back to save her. That is if she ever needs saving… she told us how she got caught, she’s not always that clumsy.

-Your Enemies

-Your Enemies

Spies (Conclusion)

One Year Later…

“Mommy, I don’t want you to go…” the little girl with brown curly hair looked up at her.

“Sophia, try to be home by the weekend.” The tall male with curly brown hair, a cute smile and tan skin kissed her on the cheek.
“I will, I love you.”
“I love you too.”



“Professor I’m going to be e-mailing you my report, I have to work all weekend, is that okay?”
“Chloe, you know I like printed copies,”
“I know but this is urgent, please. I’ll try to stay on top of things next time I’m called in.” The professor signed and gave a “Fine.” Chloe smiled as her monthly routine worked on the professor. She was his favorite student, mostly because of her passion to learn. Chloe couldn’t wait to be a dentist.

“Okay, so babe, you can handle the kids right?” He gave her a disappointed look.

“Of course I can, how many times have I done this, and I know that if I need help I can just call..."



“Don’t call Jessica,"

“But she’s great with kids,” Gabi gave him a look and he knew what it meant, no calling the sister.

“Well have fun on your top secret mission.” He kissed her as she left and hoped that she would be back by the weekend, ready to go back to church with her girls.



“We just got back from a hunting trip; do you really have to already be leaving?” He asked Ellie with a pathetic smile on his face. She smiled back slowly enhancing her dimples.

“This one should be done by the weekend, and then we can spend the whole weekend together, just us.”

“Sounds like a plan. Be safe.” He said and gave her a kiss goodbye.

“Bec, where are you going?” He walked in with a confused look on his face.

“There’s another one.”

“Already?" He shook his head.

“But I’ll be back by the weekend,” she promised.

“Is it with the whole team?” She shook her head yes. It was going to be another incredible week.

“When are you going to finish the book?”

“When I get back I’ll type it up… I’ll have plenty of time to write on the plane.” He let out a sigh as she looked into his blue eyes. She smiled and he smiled back. She remembered the first time she met him as if it were yesterday. As she grabbed her bag she started to walk out the door.

“I'll see you on Saturday…”

“See you on Saturday… and be safe.” She smiled one last time and kissed him on the cheek.

Twenty minutes later there they stood together, ready to get on the plane back to headquarters for yet another big mission. They all had lives at home and had great jobs, college classes and families and the best part… they were still together as a team.

The Campfire

With a couple of words and a kiss it was all over and she knew it. I don’t know why but she dared to tell her best friends, but she did and quickly they warned me that you may no longer be in an almost relationship…




I can see the way you look at her, her reflection glows in your eyes as the obvious loving, and wanting feeling fades and disappointment strikes hard as your best friend walks up and stands right next to her. Your best friend is the one she’s talking to, not you. I see your head drop, the flames of the fire glowed onto your face, I notice your cheeks are a rosy red. You are dressed in sweats from head to toe you look warm from the front but the harsh wind hits our backs and sends chills through our bodies. We both let out a shiver but don’t even look at each other.

Your head lifts a little as we both stare at the fire. I look at you not even knowing why you are standing next to me, company? The wind takes another blow and we let out another shiver, but your gaze doesn’t change and neither does mine. I want to ask what you’re thinking but I think I know the answer. You want to know what you did wrong, but you don’t ask. You just watch as your best friend reclaims what once was his, and takes what was yours’ for such a short amount of time. I see your head turn a little bit in her direction and then back at the fire. I wish you would say something.

I want to say so many different things. Not just to you, but to the three of you. I know I can’t though, it’s your battle to fight, not mine. I hate sitting here watching your heart break, you can’t just hide it, you need to talk to somebody and there’s a part of me that wishes that somebody was me.

I hate to admit it, but you make me smile and laugh and I feel so much happier around you, and I hate to see you like this. The wind takes another hit and at the same time we turn around with our backs to the hot fire. Once my friend - the one who invited me - left, I was kind of worried that the rest of the night would be awkward and lonely - although I’m getting used to that feeling - considering she had brought her own friend, but with you standing next to me, not even saying a word, I feel so comfortable, and not alone.

There’s a tap on my shoulder and I turn around, “the girls are going to go back to the cabin, do you want a ride?” I turn and look at you. You hold your gaze, focused on the fire. I nod, I don’t know if I should feel bad for leaving you to stare at the fire all alone, but it is getting late and I don’t want to think about it all night.

Walking away from the comfort you give me, I also walk away from all of the confusion and pain that she is bringing into the retreat. I say goodnight under my breath and “Enchanted” starts to play in my head.

Conversations with your mom and a ride home, by you yourself, are followed. All I can do is wonder, now that the story isn’t over like I thought it was, is if our friendship will continue and grow, or if there will be another bridge to cross…



She leaned up against the stove as her and I was waiting for our two friends to show up. A few words slipped out of her mouth, there was “I wish I could, but I can’t because you like him.” At first the warning signs didn’t go up, but she said it a few more times that night and I knew from the past that within a few months history would be repeating itself and I would be giving yet another girl a chance at your heart… but you should know… I really was Enchanted to meet you.

The Road to the Present.

Suddenly it had seemed as if I fallen into a bad dream. all around me I saw figures, some were shadows others were figures that looked so real that I could touch them, but when I tried to my hands just went through them like dust in a ray of light. It didn’t make any sense, where was I? Why was I here?


As time went on some of the shadows became more definite, I stood in amazement, and there was a little girl who resembled me. She was in a pink velvet dress. I remember that dress; it was the one thing I remember by dad ever buying me, at least when it came to clothing.

Suddenly I remembered the day, and suddenly I was reliving it as if it were yesterday. My mother, much taller than me, was guiding me into a place I used to know as my church. Surely it looked much different than it did the last time I saw it, the walls were purple, there was no little coffee station, the café was a seating area for the office, the two old chairs sat in the front on either side of an old wooden table and a big painting in the middle.

My mom and I walked through the kid’s hallway and my cloths changed, I looked a little older, the hall was dark. Immediately I knew where I was and why. It was in the middle of a ‘Jesus is Alive’ performance at church. We were waiting in the hall for the kid’s scene, an older lady named Karen was shushing us and my cousin and I were standing to the side talking. Again I knew what we were talking about, a certain blonde boy that had both of our eyes.

When I looked into the old nursery I saw my cousin and I again, playing in it pretending to be spies. I turn around horrified, I remembered it way too well and the memory was embarrassing. Could anybody else see these memories, or is it only I who seems to be in this nightmare? Horrified I turn around.

As I walked back out doors it was suddenly bright, there was my best friend standing just a few feet away. We were both in pure white dresses; we were just about to be crowed honor star. My cousin was holding a pillow with my crown on it. I hear myself say, “I wish you were the one carrying it, not Bethany.” My cousin shook her head. I look around for someone to ask, I don’t get it why am I here? With nowhere else to turn I walk up to my cousin and ask her. She didn’t answer; as I waved my hands in her face she kept talking that’s when I realized, nobody could hear me or see me.

The bad dream kept getting worse I walked around the stairs and I could see my best friend pulling me away from her sister and my cousin yet again. I had an annoyed look on my face and my cousin rolled her eyes. The hallway was dark. Once more around the stairs and my friend and I were stealing a guys pants and running off with his phone. I look down the hallway, there were the water fountains and next to it, the bathrooms. The lights were still dimmed.

Coming around the corner, my friend Chloe was walking funnily, she disappeared, again we ran out from behind the wall and in worn out cloths ran into the falling snow outside and had a snowball fight in the middle of a performance. Then there was Gabi, Ashley and I, lying in the hallway listening to the new Taylor Swift ‘Speak Now’ Album. Finally it clicked and I knew what was happening. I was strolling down memory lane with each different glance, any picture that leaves the frame something changes and a new memory appears.

Most people would be happy to go back to the happiest moments of their lives but for me it hurt… a lot. My mom comes to the three of us who were lying on the floor and she tells me something that I can’t make out. I stand up and realize I’m dressed in my gymnastics warm ups; I was leaving for a competition.

Gabi and I skip down the hallway leaving Ashley to go find her cousin as we entered the hall I look to my left, not daring to look in the nursery again, and I see my old group of friends standing in the doorway taking a picture with Stephanie’s new touch screen camera. Shocked I sprint down the hallway until I hit the family life center, I notice it still has the purple carpet.

Looking up I realize where I am and at what point in my life I am reliving, we were in Fine Arts choir rehearsal, days before the huge event my eighth grade year. I heard my best friends’ mom say, “Come on guys! I need you to drop your jaws, and act like you are having fun, get into it because I want to go to FLORIDA!” and everyone on the stage cheered. That’s right; Fine Arts Nationals was in Florida that year.

I watched for a few minutes, there we were, all together. Almost everything was great. Then I realized something, my dad’s back hadn’t been broken yet. Oh if only he could hear me, I would run into a place I know he would be and tell him not to go to Vermont that week, but quickly I remembered nobody can hear me or see me. So instead I just took a seat and watched familiar events unfold.

We were given a break so we all sat down on the stage and with Stephanie’s new touch screen camera we started taking pictures, pictures I myself hadn’t seen since that day. I see my younger self rolling my eyes, the pictures snaps and I can’t help but laugh. That was the most embarrassing picture of my life. Stephanie views the photo and bursts out into laughter. “You look demented!” she says to me. My younger self takes one look at the picture and busts into laughter. For a second I take my eyes off of myself and look around the room.

For the first time nothing changed… that is until I saw the basketball hoop. Suddenly the entire room changed and there he was, Garret Seaman. He had left for the military a few years ago and there he stood in front of me. I remember that Sunday. It had been a long day, I had been left at the church before a Scrooge performance and for about forty-five minutes, he was my guardian. I look back over to the stage and we are all crowded around the piano singing ‘Dessert Song’ while Chloe played the piano. Quickly the song changed and it was the famous Barlow Girl song, Never Alone. When I look back to where Garret was, he was gone… but only because him and my younger self were walking out. I follow them.

I can’t help but think about what happened next, we had a sort of heart to heart it was nice. It’s not like I had been pouring my heart out to him, but it was a good talk. The Family life center doors close behind me and yet again everything changes.

Josh: Are you okay, your cheeks are like… RED!

Sophia: Yeah she’s just… (Logan Hecklinger walks by) Happy.

Logan turns around and says something that I couldn’t make out at the time, and for some reason I couldn’t hear him the second time around.

Sophia: Oh my Gosh did He just say that he knows why your cheeks are red.

Me: What who are you talking about?

I see the look on my face, my younger self turns around and my eyes widen, it all clicks… He said that! I ask Sophia

Sophia: That’s what I thought he said. My mouth drops and we start laughing. Oh how I miss those days.

Morgan taps me on the shoulder and I know what’s going on. I see her eyebrows rise as I tap Chloe’s shoulder and we take off outside. I follow once again. As we run I can see fifth graders who resemble Chloe, Stephanie, Sophia and I all playing jump rope. “Ephesians 2:8-10, for it is by grace…” they say as they jump… Wow… I remember all of that, but I keep running after Morgan Chloe and I. Turning right I see them flipping out in the field. Again, that’s something that I miss.

Looking right, everything changes once more. It’s dark and rainy Gabi and I am walking with linked arms. Our boots sink into the puddles and the rain trickles down onto our heads, but we don’t care, we keep talking. I listen in on the conversation. It’s all stuff I’ve heard before, of course, I was there. Finally something I remember really well, our conversation about a close friend of ours.

“I just wish we could have gotten a proper goodbye you know? I mean they all just fell off the earth.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling. But we don’t need them, we have each other.”

“It’s sad though, we went from… everyone to… us.”

“I know… just one more day is that too much to – oh my gosh. He’s here!”

“What!” I hear myself scream and I look up knowing what my other self is going to see.

“Is it really him?” Gabi asks trying to squint.

“There’s only one way to find out.” I slowly walk back towards the doors and watch as I they run toward the yellow jeep. “‘If you can read this then flip me back- Gabs it’s him!’” They take off to the foyer of the hallway. I know what happens next and I don’t want to the scene to change so I stay and wait for Gabi and me to run back out.

Within a matter of minutes we come out with a huge smile on our faces. We head towards the bench where I am currently sitting. They talk and I listen again. The conversation gets personal as usual and we see him walk back out completely ignoring us. Finally Gabi stands up, “Addison Sterling, are you leaving?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Then can I have a goodbye hug? I never got one.” He opens his arms and that’s when we both get up and hug him. We say our goodbyes and walk back to our bench. We smile while tears stream down our face… the best part of the night was coming up and they didn’t even know yet. His yellow jeep takes off towards Burger King…

What seems like seconds later it comes back racing around the corner with its lights all bright to match his yellow truck?

-No.

-It can’t be

-What else?

-He forgot something.

-That’s it.

The car stops at the edge of the sidewalk. He gets out and walks toward them, they don’t move a muscle. A smile spreads across both of my faces, my mouth drops in the past and the present me just smiles as he turns to the two of them and says, “I got all the way to Burger King when I turned around and realized I missed you girls too much.”

We both got up and gave him a hug. That was all I needed to see, I walk back into the church and enter the sanctuary. Memories from everything buzz around as if my brain doesn’t know where to start. I see me by myself, looking almost exactly as I do now, but with lighter hair, bawling my eyes out. There’s human video rehearsals, choir rehearsals, scrooge, fine arts. The list goes on and on. I myself start to come to tears watching as all the heartbreak of the past two years is being played right before my eyes.

It hurts. Once I’m in tears I close my eyes and pray that it would all go away. I open my eyes terrified to look once more and immediately the sounds stop, the shadows of what had happened in the past comes to a stop. Everything freezes and like a computer slowly shutting down everything fades and I’m left alone in the hollow shadow of the sanctuary.

I look around and head out the door. Again, nothing was left, I turn around and head back into the sanctuary as soon as the door closes it all starts back up again. Wait, I don’t remember living through these. There was a girl that looked like me but with brown hair with a tint of red. She is wearing an entire outfit that I don’t recognize. She’s talking to a guy that I know really well. Tall brown swishy hair, extremely thin and wearing the new Dayspring TBQ shirts. Who is that talking to him?

“I can’t trust you anymore!” the girl says meaning to scream, but she keeps her voice down. I walk around so that I can see her face and a shock spreads across mine as the boy keeps talking trying to explain something. I dye my hair brown? And where did I get that outfit? We’ve never had enough money to go out and buy a completely new wardrobe.

“Three different people have told me basically the same thing; it’s your word against three other people. I’m sorry but we can’t be friends anymore.” My mouth drops even more. I can’t believe it, “Becca what are you doing? He is one of three friends left!” I scream, but I know she can’t hear me. She walks away frustrated and looking down at the floor. What just happened?

It’s the same scene, different day; I can tell her cloths have changed. There she sat studying Hebrews out of her scripture portion. It’s obviously our junior year, as I’m reading Hebrews with her from over her shoulder Gabi stands next to me and taps her on the shoulder.

She turns around and lets out a scream. “What are you doing here?” she says, wait. What does that mean? Gabi should be here shouldn’t she? Maybe she was supposed to be on vacation.

“Well I convinced my mom to come back for one Sunday so that it can be like old times again, that and you don’t have to sit by yourself.”

Come back, she said come back. Why was she gone?

“How is Westgate?” and that was it, I knew it. She had broke her promise, she left me for the church I wanted to badly to be involved with, because I fit in, felt like I belonged there, but was never allowed to go. Tears started to form in my eyes, I couldn’t handle this. I don’t remember living through this, but whatever it was I HAD to get out. I ran out the church and there it was the Fourth of July freedom fest. I was tempted to go see how Gabi and I really became friends once again; I’m still confused on how that happened. But no, no more distractions, I had to get out of here. I ran to all the cars in the parking lot, finally one that looked familiar. Morgan’s red truck, when I went to go open the door I couldn’t my hand went right through it. Was the only door I could open the ones to the church? I go around to every car and it was true. There is no way of getting out, am I stuck watching every memory I have at Dayspring? It’s been eleven years, this could take forever.

On one last hope I run back inside. I didn’t remember those last few memories in the sanctuary right? Maybe those are in the future… what if I could find myself in the present? It may take a while, but hopefully sometime soon I’ll be able to catch back up with myself and get back to the way things are supposed to be, but for now… I’m searching through the past to discover the road to the present.

The Twentieth Question (Part One)

It had been years, since her senior year to be exact, that she last saw him. It was a night of a goodbye that she thought she would never forget although through the years off at college, he rarely crossed her mind. Her focus had become so much on college and writing her book for her final exam. Things had gotten crazy and the last thing that was on her mind was a boy.

There were times when she could have driven the hour home just to visit and catch up for one fast day. She used school as an excuse, it had taken over her life and there was no room for error. She had to focus on writing and her job; otherwise she could find herself behind for weeks. To continue any further, the past has to be explained… So here’s the story…

She met him her freshman year… they hadn’t really had a formal introduction until the school musical when they were forced to be dancing partners. He was really the first guy she had ever held hands with for minutes at a time, and the first guy she ever danced with, so she formed a little crush, but he had no idea. So for weeks they practiced the little dance, each time she would get so comfortable being lead by him, holding his hand, spinning around in circles she even trusted him enough to catch her at the very end. She even got comfortable enough to look up into his blue eyes and completely get into a character that she knew would be over as soon as they were done.

No matter how much she loved dancing with him, becoming his friend, making random jokes and miss-speaking, it wasn’t something that could be carried any further than the stage. He had a girlfriend who was his age, much prettier, could drive, and was very talented. Just like him, his girlfriend would be going off to college in a year and a half, while she would be left in high school all alone. As they passed each other in the halls he would say hello, pretend to be shy and sometimes there would be a random conversation, but nothing like the characters they became on stage and she had to keep that in mind.

 After the musical was over reality hit, their schedules changed and she never saw him, even at youth group. She couldn’t take it anymore, he and his girlfriend had become and item and so she let him go, vowing to only be friends, but she didn’t realize that deep inside of her that little freshman crush remained.

 The next year went by and he was in the musical again, except this time with his girlfriend, but by then they were broken up. One would think that’s her chance to pursue him, but it wasn’t like that anymore, she had her eye on someone else, someone from her best friends new church. Besides, she didn’t chase after guys, they chased her. So they continued to be friends.

 By the end of that school year she had already known what he wanted to be, a fire fighter. So through the next summer when she would see him on the weekends he would show up to graduation parties sweaty with deodorant in his hand already worn out from work outs and such. They would both attend life groups and so their friendship grew, not by much, but it did.

 In her junior year during life groups (a monthly event for their youth group) they got paired together, so they had to spend the day hanging out. Their way of hanging out was walking around playing twenty questions, they learned so much about each other and for some reason she loved every minute of it. That’s when she found out; he was to be shipped out within the first weeks of her senior year.

 The weekend of his departure he had a going away party, and she wrote a letter to him. They had gotten so close over the years and it killed her to have to say goodbye.


Dear Noah,

 I know you told me so long ago that you were going to leave, but here the day is and I’m still not ready. You have been there for me in ways that you don’t even know, so to repay you I’m going to be there for you in ways that you don’t even know. I will pray for you every day of every week and every week of every month. Everyday until the next time I see you… so yes I will be thinking of you every day. Stay safe and hope to see you soon.

 -Anne


She gave him a big hug goodbye that night, knowing it would be a while since she would see him next, but she had no idea that it would be seven years. The rest of her senior year flew by and every time he was home she was busy either with rehearsals, SAT’s and ACT’s, fine arts festival or even sports. Even though she wanted to see him, she somehow managed not to. . Every now adn then she would write a letter out to him telling him that she was still praying for him and that he needed to be home just a little bit longer next time. She never got a reply, for all she knew the letter could have been lost in the mail.

She then went to college for four years graduated college with all A’s the hard work paid off. In matter of a fact her teacher loved her final exam book so much that he gave her a few more suggestions and then suggested to send it off to the editors. The first book got published a year and a half later and as soon as it was published she sent in the sequel, now she’s waiting for the editors, and hopefully the first printing will be going out soon. In the meantime, her first book is in it’s second printing… it’s Christmas seven years since her senior year, it’s a snowy Sunday night, December the twentieth and where else would she be on a late Sunday night near the end of the month? She would be spending the night with the rest of the old youth group at a traditional Life Groups Christmas Party and so the tragic story starts…


To Be Continued...

The Twentieth Question (Conclusion)

Continued...



By the time Anne arrived at Life Groups everyone was gathered in the kitchen and living room. The adults were in the kitchen, and the used to be, teenagers sat in the living room playing Liar. They were all there for one thing, Christmas; the gift exchange would start as soon as everyone arrived.



“Okay we are ready!” Lisa called from the kitchen,



“What I thought we were still missing Noah and Cameron?” A familiar brunette answered from the living room. As she stood she looked up and saw the two boys standing in the doorway. Anne turned around and realized finally that the red truck following her had been the boys. She set her present down with the rest of the gifts and turned to two boys, her heart jumped at the sight of Noah. It had been way too long. The brunette ran to give them both a hug, all Anne could do was look at Noah, all dressed in his uniform.



“Did you just get home?” Anne managed to ask, as Noah looked up to see her standing in a plaid winter coat, nice jeans and comfy boots. A smile spread across his face.



“Yeah,” he replied, “, but we stopped at the gift shop on the way home for the present.” He shook the plastic bag there was a small little box in it, she wondered, who does he have? When Noah was done giving everyone a round of “I miss you” hugs he came over to Anne and gave her a big hug. Looking over her shoulder he realized a big bluish, greenish bag lying on the floor. “You still have that green, I mean blue purse?”



Anne gave him a smile, “it’s my favorite.”



“Everyone get in a circle and hold hands we are going to eat.” Lisa said taking the pot of Chile over to the counter and everyone did as instructed. Anne held Noah’s hand as if they had never let go from the first early morning practice they held hands. They were still warm and strong, callused with a few scars, but they were still the same and brought the same comfort. Lisa lead in a prayer thanking God for the food and the time together.



The night moved fast, with a ton of catching up with what seemed like the entire youth group. The stories continued through the night, the brunette ended up getting a huge scholarship to a college and has been being a worship leader in a huge church. In the meantime she had been working on her own worship album. Noah was only going to be out for two more years, and Anne explained how well things were going for her with the books. Cameron caught everyone up on what’s been going on. Then the conversation moved to relationships, it was interesting to see who was in one and who wasn’t. The brunette was, another worship leader at her church, he also accompanied her in the album.



The gift exchange came next, she had drawn Noah’s name, she got him a blanket that went from green to blue, so there would be no argument about what color it was. When Anne got her present it said “From Cameron,” in his neat handwriting. It was in a big box, and as she opened it a casing shaped like an acoustic guitar came into her eyesight. “I was hoping you hadn’t gotten one yet, I remember you talking about wanting to learn how to play. It’s my old one so it’s not great, but hey there’s thought in it.” He explained.



She smiled and gave him a hug, “thank you, I completely forgot I mentioned that.”



“You don’t already have one do you?”



She let out a laugh, “no music… at least playing it has slipped my mind as of lately.”



Then Noah gave his present to Cameron, it was the bag with the small box in it. "Keep it safe while I'm away, okay?" Cameron nodded and everyone passed around weird looks, "it was my grandmothers'," Noah explained, and everyone shook their heads as if they had understood what had just happened.



The night continued, for the first time ever Anne saw the fire lit in Cameron’s house. It was warm, and everyone was having fun enjoying each other. Noah tapped Anne on the shoulder, she turned around, he had her coat in one hand and her boots in another, “wanna go for a walk?” she smiled and grabbed her coat from his hands. She went to grab her boots from his hands and he gave her a look. “Sit down,” her smile grew and she sat as he slipped them onto her feet. Quietly they slipped out the back door and went for a walk. It was as if he had never left, the feeling was great. With each step her feet sank into newly fallen snow, the moon light was piercing through the darkness. It glowered onto Noah’s face as they walked.



“Question one what are you going to do when you come home for good?”



He smiled and answered the question, “I haven’t figured that out yet, I know I want to settle down, eventually get married. You know the usual.”



“What about you… do you have a boyfriend? You never mentioned anything inside.”



“No,”



“Really?” Noah sounded surprised and Anne just shook her head yes.



“I’ve been waiting for the right guy… and he just hasn’t come along yet.” He nodded and they continued with their twenty questions. It was a night Anne would never forget, things happened between them on that walk, things that she never told anyone.



When she got home her lips still tingled, her hands were frozen, her boots were soaked and so was her coat. Her new guitar was safely put next her bed and she went to sleep smiling about what had happened that night as she rubbed her fingers across her lips. She had decided that it was going to be a great Christmas, she was going to get to hang out with him for two more days through the next week then he would be gone again. Then she had only two more years of waiting.



Two Years Later… (but a week before he’s supposed to return)



There was a knock on the door; again it was a dark rainy night. A man in uniform came up to the door. Anne turned on the light and opened it up slowly. This couldn’t be happening; she had only seen Noah one other time since that Christmas night. When he was finally home they spent the whole week together. She even went with him to see his parents; again it was as if he had never left. They played the usual twenty questions, finally when Noah got to question number twenty he told her that she had to wait until he was home for good to be asked the question. It killed her, but she agreed. That meant that he had to make it home, and he never told her but he had given Cameron a note explaining what the twenthiet question was if he never made it back. Cameron agreed to keep it, and he stashed it away along with the box.



Anne breathed deeply as the door stood completely open, and the man dressed in full uniform handed her a piece of paper, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” He said and walked away with his head down trying to dodge the pouring rain. There Anne stood in her doorway crying and crying, she knew what the letter was. He was gone and it was time for her to move on. It had truely been the worst Christmas, pouring rain, no snow, and Noah, gone.



After a few minutes of silence it hit her, she wasn’t married to him, or engaged. Why were they coming to her house to tell her? Wouldn't his family be the first to know, not her? Quickly she opened up the letter, maybe he requested that one be sent to her house. She had to check.



Dear Anne,



You never did ask me in person if I got any of your letters. Of course I did I just couldn’t right back, just incase something did happen to me. I didn’t want our entire relationship to be based off of letters. I’ve tried to keep friends online and it doesn’t work, so it wouldn’t have worked on paper either. Every time I came home for the past two years you have been there. You have been the one to pick me up and you would open your new house up to me, make me welcome and come with me to random things. We played twenty questions… which is obviously our game, I helped you write and I loved every minute of it…



So I have made you wait for the past two years for me to ask you question number twenty… and I’m ready to ask you, but I want to do it in person. Now if you have jumped to conclusions like I think you did you may be wondering how thinking that I’m dead, but I can assure you that I’m not. (I know the man in the uniform made you think so… but I’m not.) Come to the road… Our Road. There you will find one street light on and I’ll be standing under it ready to ask you question number twenty.



Hope to see you soon.



-Noah





With a little bit of hope Anne grabbed her coat, slipped on her boots, took her purse and ran to her car. She sped down the road trying to get to the road that Cameron used to live on. She made a left turn and there he stood. Completely unharmed and drenched in rain water. She stopped the car, got out and ran not caring if she got wet. She wrapped her arms around him and he gave her a peck on the cheek, oh how I’ve missed you. He said spinning her around. He set her back down gently, and that’s when she noticed what he was wearing. He was wearing a suit and not his military one… a black and white suit… with converse of course.



Anne was missing something… he began, “now question number twenty, at first I was hesitant when I told you to wait, but the letters kept coming. I actually wasn’t going to do this, but I couldn’t wait anymore. I was actually going to ask a simpler question, but we have waited so long and took so many risks…” Anne’s face went from a smile, to confusion and faster than lightning it went so shock as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small familiar box. It was the one that had been in the bag, suddenly it all made sense; he had given it to Cameron that night to keep safe. It was his grandmothers, and he wanted to make sure nothing happened to it. He opened the box and he slowly put one knee on flooding road. A smile spread across her face as he started to talk, “Question twenty… Will you-“



“Yes.”

A Bedtime Story

Once upon a time there was a little princess. She lived in a big castle with her whole family. Her life seemed perfect; she loved everything about it especially right before she went to bed. At the end of every day, whether it was a busy day full of work and lessons, or just a fun day full of fun with friends and family, her dad would come into her room at night and kneel on the floor next to her bed. She would get down and do the same imitating everything down to his posture and facial expressions. She would fold her hands and pray a little prayer. She would pray for many things, ranging from her dog Brandie, to the dish that broke that night at dinner. The sky was the limit for this little princess. When she was done praying she would end with a long “AAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEN,” and look up at her dad, the king. He would take a second and then repeat her exact words.


“Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa… hold on here. This story isn’t right; I thought you said it was going to be about when my parents were younger.”

“Well yah, but I’m just adding a little extra to it, but you’ll still get the same story. Do you want to hear a bed time story or not?”

“Well, yah.”

“Okay, so settle down and I’ll tell you a little creative story about how your parents.”

“Fine grandma but can I say something? My daddy does the same thing with me every night, and he prays a little bit longer than me.”

“That’s right; do you know what he prays for?”

“He says he prays for my husband all the time. Which I don’t know how considering I don’t know who this person is I mean I’m not getting married till I’m as old as you! I’m only seven. But the other thing he would pray for though was my heart that’s what he told me!”

“That’s right, and that’s the most important part of the story the heart. Now listen closely.”

“But I don’t I know how this is going to end? My parents get married and then the stork senses their happiness and drops me off?”

“Not this part of the story… we’ll uhh get to that some other night, maybe when you are older. This part of the story about your parents is the decision your mom made. She asked… well you’ll see. Now let me continue with my story.”



Okay, so this princess grew up in the castle knowing one day she would inherit the small kingdom. When she came of age her father started mentioning the idea of suitors. She groaned at the thought. Hours upon hours meeting Princes, Dukes and Knights from all over the world, when the reality was, she didn’t want to meet them. She would never admit it to her father but she liked her friend Liam.

He was a prince, a well mannered one, trained in all the best skills archery, and fencing, he was bilingual and had excellent grades. He was even second in line for the throne of a bigger kingdom; he would be an excellent suitor for the princess.

Liam was a good friend, one the princess loved to be around at all times of the day. She smiled when she thought of him, or even heard his name. When she unexpectedly saw him she would almost burst every time. She was sure he knew about her little crush, but even then he remained to be her friend not making things awkward.

He was the perfect suitor, perfect friend, and her dad would have even said yes, but there was one problem. He was in love with her best friend Abby and she wasn’t going to dare to get in the way of her two best friends.

So for months her dad organized meetings and parties for the princess to meet different suitors. Everyone she turned down, and the reason was simple, they weren’t Liam. Finally after waiting three years for Liam, hoping that Abby and Liam would decide that they would be better off being just friends the princess decided to try and move on. That’s when Demetry came along… well he had always been there, but never did anything about it.

Demetry and the princess had been good friends for years. He was one of the servants in the castle his parents served her father and mother for years and he had always been the one to do all of the cleaning. For years the princess over looked Demetry because he wasn’t Liam, then the day she tried to move on, he came along. She mentioned that something should change; at that moment he said he liked her and those words echoed in her mind. As soon as the words “what do you think if we went out, to help me get over Liam,” were done being spoken her stomach turned, something wasn’t right. He told her he would think about it, so she waited.

In waiting for his reply she sent a message through all the servants of the castle to come see her. That night he met her in the hallway outside of her room. “I don’t care what your answer is Demetry, but it was a bad idea I can’t do this.”

He never told the princess but it angered him, he was going to say yes, it may have been his only chance. “I’m so sorry, it was a huge mistake.” She went back to her room hoping that he wouldn’t stay mad at her.

Exactly two weeks later the princess ran into Demetry, he was in the hallway cleaning one of the vases. He seemed upset; worried she asked what was wrong. All he said was girls, and at that moment she prayed it wasn’t about her. He went on and her worst fears came to face her straight in the face. He was upset about her. “Look I’m sorry, I never should have done that.” The princess said looking down.

“It’s all because of Prince Liam isn’t it? Because I could see the way you looked at him. For years you’ve had your eyes focused on just him. Not even noticing me, when I was right in front of you this entire time?”

“Demetry, I’ve been trying to get over him, can’t you see that. I’m even letting my best friend date him.”

“Yes and it kills you. You love him just admit it, don’t deny it. He sees it, I see it and he’s trying not to break your heart. That’s why he hasn’t been hanging out as much. He doesn’t want to break your heart so he avoids you. Then guess what, I’m over here and the only one to talk to so that’s what you do. I’m here for you all of the time, but your mind has been so focused on Liam you forget about me. Like I said, you don’t even see what’s in front of you.”

He put the vase down and walked away, his face all red, “and you are right, it would never work because you can only love one person and I know it’s not me!”

At that point the princess didn’t even want to respond, that… was mostly true. Except that night, that night her stomach turned and she remembered why it did. When she would pray with her dad her dad would pray that she know when and when not to date a boy. As the princess grew older she told God to warn her by making her stomach hurt, and it’s been that way ever since.

That night she thought and thought, and thought some more… maybe heartbreak by Prince Liam himself would be what she needed. By morning she came to the conclusion, she needed to talk to Prince Liam, immediately.

The following afternoon the princess sat down with the prince and explained everything. He didn’t seem surprised at what she was telling him, until she told him about the previous night.

The following words didn’t come out just as easily, “he was right, I do love you, and it’s not something I think I’ll ever stop doing, but I can move on, so in order to do that I want to try something.”

He sat intently listening to her words, “I need you to do me a favor, give me the best day of my life. Let me live my fairy tale with you. Obviously not harming your relationship with Abby,” Just as he was about to answer she continued. “Afterwards you would then tell me that it’s never going to happen again, tell me anything that would break my heart and don’t stop until I’m in tears.”

He thought for a moment. The plan entirely sounded cruel, her eyes begged him. He focused her eyes on his and seeing his blue eyes brought her back to the night. The first time she saw them her Abby’s birthday party, she sat across the table from him. She was eating the sub, the table had gotten unusually quiet, and they were trying to listen to what her Abby’s mom was trying to say from inside the other room. That’s when she looked up and saw his perfectly blonde spiked hair. Wearing a suit, his teeth perfectly straight and white, and his blue eyes sparkled in the dining hall’s lighting

“So you love me huh?” His words broke her from her memory and she came back to reality realizing what was going on. “Well then all I have to say is…”



“Hey mom, you need to put Emma to bed.” Emma’s mom, Becca, said as she stuck her head through the crack in the door of her bedroom.

“Hold on Becca, I’m not done with the story.” Her mom said holding up her finger telling her to wait one second.

“Now…” Becca said scolding her own mother in law.

“Okay I guess I’ll have to tell you what he says later…” Lisa said as she tucked Emma into bed.

“What? Mommy!” Emma cried.

“Emma darling, I’m sure whatever it is, it can wait.”

“No it can’t! I want to know what happens between Liam, Demetry and the princess.” Emma exclaimed.

Becca gave her mother a smile, “yeah Emma, the rest of the story can wait for another night.” Emma let out a groan and turned over in her bed violently.

“Can you at least tell me if he breaks her heart?” Emma muttered to the wall.

Her mother paused for a moment and finally spoke, “… yeah he does…”

Emma flopped back over and let out a gasp.

“But let me tell you, that’s not where it ends...”

This Secret

I’ve got a secret, a big one. One that you don’t tell most people, you wouldn’t tell your best friend at camp this secret, no. You would tell your very best friend, the one you’ve been through the most with and have been friends with for years. This secret, the one that I keep so hidden from the rest of the world, it tears me apart. I can’t tell anyone this secret, every time I take a step, something breaks. Every time I’m ready to clean all the craziness out of my life, and get this secret off my chest, I step in something, and it gets everywhere, there is no safe place.




Even when I think I can get out of it for a few days, the stench follows me. I can’t breathe around the odor, but yet it clings to me with all of its might. It attaches itself to my cloths, my shoes, my bags and if I’m having a really bad day, even a blanket. I smell it on the bus, at church, and even at a friend’s house, it stinks and even though others can’t smell any of it, I can. Yet nobody understands why I can’t even stand to be in the room, sometimes. The worst thing is that I can’t help them understand because I can’t tell them… I can’t tell just anyone this secret that clings onto me.



I confess, I’m terrified to tell them this secret mostly because of what may happen next. I’m usually scared that they would judge me for what happens on a day to day basis, but surprisingly they never look at me any differently, but that’s not the biggest fear… the fear of possibly loosing everything if it slips to the wrong people. That’s the scary part of this secret, it can tear my life apart, and even more than it already is. It could make me truly lose my friends, my education, my family, and my gymnastics. So constantly I have to carefully decide who to tell.



When I do tell a friend, they usually ask how things are going on a two week scale, immediately memories of a horrible night flash into my head just as I’m about to answer them. I think it through, and though I’ve already told them once, I can’t get myself to say it again. Once was a big enough risk, and although they could have saved my life, been my best friend since I was born or even been a family member I can’t admit it a second time to anybody, so I never give a straight answer.



When I don’t give a straight answer some are smart enough to figure it out. They ask why things are back to the way they were but they don’t understand even after they know. They don’t understand that this secret is overbearing, and it’s not something that I can just get rid of. One’s reaction may be that it is something that is easy to fix, but this secret clutters my life, it takes time to fix, time I don’t have. The process of getting rid of this secret would take days and a ton of money to get me out of this hole. Boxes would need to be packed full of memories and stowed away to where nobody can get to them, and if someone were to find them, things would just explode all over again, but in a different time and place.



One thing I know between this secret, and all the others that I hide, is that I will make sure this one won’t happen ever again. Later in life when I am married and have kids I will make sure nothing ever gets this bad. I will make sure my kids have a solid place to stand and not a place that endangers them to trip with every step they take. I will make sure that history will never repeat itself that no matter what happens things will never have a stench this bad. That nothing has a chance to accumulate dust or to mold over. I will start from scratch, forget the terrifying past and make sure I never have to relive it because this secret is a mess, a big one that I just can’t clean up.

                                                                                                            

Written: October 6,2011

Our LITTLE History

In a world full of loneliness, poverty, anger, loss and all the other troubles of the world, there are some who barely go touched by the horrible parts of the world that we can’t explain. Those select few stand out from others, they become more successful because of their talents, or beauty or their brains. These people… they may not be the most successful people in the entire world, at least to a point where they are raised above others all throughout the world, but more so in a specific place. A specific group of people, these people have a tiny piece of their history with them wherever they go… forever remembered by only them. My group of friends… yeah we were one of those groups of friends.


We rose above all others, but not because we were stuck up. It’s not that we knew we were pretty; it’s not that we knew our lives were perfect, because they weren’t (they were far from it). It’s because we were friends with not just each other, but with everyone. We were involved with everything and spent hours together at different events throughout all times of the year, but notice my grammar. I’m using past tense when I speak of what we were, meaning that everything we were, everything we tried to be as friends… no longer exists… and I’m finally getting to a point where I’m okay with it because it’s our own little history that will forever be remember by us…

So of course we did spend hours upon hours together; we took thousands of pictures, no joke. They were the best friendships I’ve ever had with anybody, if anyone knows our story they would know that together we seriously went through everything. From lies, to betrayal, to getting scared, we got threatened by the possible distance between us, we lost someone, but someone else came along. We went through heartbreak, more lies, more betraying, secrets, anorexia, bulimia, the biggest facebook fight ever and the worst abandonment ever. Altogether it sounds like we had a pretty crappy friendship… that’s with out knowing the little details that were pieced together during our time together, all the good times the sweet little talks… writing letters before bed… all of it.

In the end, we never did come out on top, in matter of a fact, things seemed horrible. The very people who told me that they would always be by my side suddenly said goodbye I know I had a warning but it didn’t seem good enough. I know that it was months in advance, but it still wasn’t enough, slowly but surely they stopped arriving, they forced me and our new arrival to fend for ourselves, to survive in a place that soon seemed so empty and lifeless. Then the day came, they invited me to go visit a church with them.

That night I had fun, we had a water fight, dropped chocolate covered marshmallows’ in a strangers mouth and even saw a cute boy who’s face was covered in chocolate, “that’s going to be my boyfriend,” my friend joked to me… if only she knew then.

That was the night… it all seemed so unreal. I didn’t think it would last long that it wouldn’t be permanent, it was just to prove a point to the pastors, but I was wrong. Pumpkin Hunt came next and there was the second point, same church, they were getting involved. The Christmas party came around and they weren’t there. It seemed normal by then but the party seemed weird, to be there without them, all of them. Having so much fun without them, memories came flooding back with every different thing we did that night, by then it was official, they were in. They were gone; the two of us who were left had been replaced.

For months I cried myself to sleep on separate nights, this last summer I only attended youth twice because I was tired of coming home crying every night. For months I tried to push back all the good times and the bad for that matter, as if they had never happened. Forgetting was the easiest thing to do, but every time I looked I saw a younger me in a white dress, another younger me talking with them after a scrooge performance, me running through the church because we thought we left the key with Mrs. Schmitz when really we locked it in the room. With every blink, another memory haunted me and I started to suffocate in the very place I had so recently called home.

Even now things still feel empty, but I’ve come to the conclusion, our friendship isn’t the same. I don’t care how much they want to think that it is it most defiantly isn’t. I’m not saying take it all back, please don’t! I’m saying lets figure out a way to handle this and move on with our lives. It was going to come eventually when college rolled around the corner, but we never expected any of it to happen so suddenly.

I know that things will never be the same; I will never be in one of those groups who are friends with everyone again, at least not at church. Things have happened since they left, but although it’s been hard, I’ve made a few friends, kept a few of the old and I have moved on. What once was our group is gone, but together we will go down in our own little history, of the girls who went through it all, the girls who came out of the mess alive and together, no matter how short of a time we had.

We will forever be that group of girls that rose above the others. Supported each other through everything, and even while apart we are creating our own little history… we are the girls who survived getting separated and even replaced… to a point. Our little history, something that was so short, so insignificant… is something none of us will ever forget. Although others have, everyone has for that matter, we will never forget the countless hours of sleep we lost, fighting, encouraging, and just… talking about random things. The numbers of inside jokes and the quotes that we tag each other in on facebook because it’s our own, insignificant, but yet amazing little history.

                                                                                                 

Written October 13, 2011

Enchanted

     The night was long, the lights were bright and so were everyone's faces. The excitement of being there filled the room that night. I enjoyed being there and I was having fun with it for the first time in a long time, I felt my body sink and quickly I realized what had happened. I turned around and gave a look to the blonde boy who thought it was funny to kick the back of my leg. The birthday girl opened another present and a huge smile started to spread across her face. Then her older sister blocked my view and she turned me around to face the blonde yet again.

She tapped him on the shoulder and he turned to face us. "Liam, this is my best friend Becca," she said with a sound of pleasure in her voice, "and Becca this is Liam." We shook hands and I explained that I met him earlier in the party, and that he was in my group for the scavenger hunt.

"Well, Liam is a sophomore you know?"

"Really, 'cause I know his brother, and he’s a sophomore also,”

"Oh no, then Liam must be a freshman." I shook my head trying not to seem too interested in the conversation.

"Wait, how do you know Asher?" she asked obviously confused.

"School…" I said slowly as if it were obvious.

"Well, Liam is a freshman, blonde hair, blue eyes, attractive, smart, and funny..." her voice trialed and the words seemed to echo. Finally it came out.

"I know." The birthday girl’s sister gasped and led me over to a small couch and I told her everything about the last two hours. Finally, I made her promise not to tell anyone, and we crossed pinkies.

When the birthday girl was done with her presents, I found myself being dragged into the coat closet having to explain everything to her, her sister and our mutual best friend Gabi. They all fussed at the news, “you like Liam?”

“Well no not really, I’m just attracted to him, I think he’s funny and I like his personality.”

“So you like him.”

“Umm, sure go with that, but don’t tell anyone because it can get around.”

After that the night seemed to end fast and successful. That night I watched as he drove away, Taylor Swifts Enchanted, blared in the background. The bridge played and it was exactly how I felt as I sang along, “this is me praying that…” Those exact lines of the song made sense. I didn’t want it to be the last page. I hoped my thoughts would echo his name, just because the night was unforgettable.

I found the night I experienced to be perfect. Too bad it hadn’t been. As hard as we tried the nosy one of the party found out and hours later so did Liam.

I can tell you that night is not where the story ended, it did go on, the plot thickened and it ended up being a really good one too, although where the story line ends? Well that’s up to him, all I know is… “I was enchanted to meet you.”

                                                                                                           

Written May 22, 2011

To Lose You

Sometimes it feels as though I've lost everything in the world. Not so much from the choices I make but from the choices others make. For example: Mom gets a new job, and the person who is training her decides that she is not proficient enough so they let her go, just like that. Everything I had hoped to gain, now gone. Or there is the fact that three years ago I had the best group of friends in the world, and then it hit a turning point. I was heartbroken to learn that my cousin had just... left. I thought I had lost any connection I had with her, because I would never get to see her. At the time it seemed to be the most life altering thing in the world. But quickly when something bad happens, something good happens too. We gained another, and kept going... the story is long, but at the end we all ended up going our separate ways except two of us... and again it seemed like I had lost everything in the world except one thing... you.


But just as quickly as everything breaks into a million pieces, everything gets picked up and life moves on... and that's what happened. I thought I knew what it was like to almost lose everything in the world when things hit rock bottom a few years ago but I never knew what it was like to lose everything. Until they moved, I was mortified; I didn't want them to leave. My world as I knew it was over, and there was only one solution, figure out where they were headed and take you with me, but I knew you wouldn't leave so for you I stayed behind, thinking I was finding out what it was really like to loose everything, but then again I was wrong I didn't loose everything, I still had... you.

Now it's been over a year since they left at times you and I share the same feelings about what had all happened. You understand what I went through, because we went through it together, and all I have to say is that if that summer. That horrible beginning when it all fell apart, if it weren't for the celebration two weeks later, if we had just kept avoiding each other, I honestly don't know what I would have done. I wouldn't have known it but at that point it would have truly lost everything. I would have lost... you.

I need you to know that if it weren't for you I would have drifted away. I would have excluded myself from the youth, probably gone with them to another church. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have a best friend by my side, I wouldn't have someone to talk to before and after church. I would constantly feel alone. If it weren't for you things would seem to be ten times worse than they already are. I need you to know that I fear of the day, a horrible day, when we go our separate ways for I don't know how long. I am terrified that one day I will loose your number, that facebook will cost money and we will loose touch. That life gets in the way, because whether or not we had gotten into a fight and lost each other, or you left me by myself in a church I've known my entire life, but feel like a stranger in, you will still be gone.

So please make me this promise right now, that no matter what we will always have each other, because I am truly terrified. I can't imagine how it would have been if I hadn't asked you if the snow cones cost money that day. I don't know what I would have done if we hadn't sat in the room that day and just talked. I don't know what I would have done if we never went swimming that day and then to see the fireworks, because I can't imagine loosing everything in the world...and in order to do that I would have to loose… you.

Round-Up-Jesus

Covered in memories it hangs on the wall. It has no idea the amount of laughs it holds, the number of moments that I just look back and smile upon, or the value I have for it.


All day every day it hangs on the wall. It’s the first thing I see when I wake up, but through out the day it barely gets glanced at, but at nights it’s shadow on the wall is the last thing I see before I shut my eyes. Through the years I have placed medals, key chains, photos, pins, awards and so much more on it. Soon after the items were placed, they were all taken down and they got re-organized. Then within a day or so, a few more items would be put back up in all the empty places.

Currently it is flooded with pictures, old and new. There are senior pictures, pictures taken in school and out of school. Pictures at church and even a sign that reads, “Do you get spanked?” and it makes me laugh every time.

I thought the pictures would make me remember all the good times my best friends and I had together. Homecomings, making parodies, photo shoots up that the lake house, and tubing on the lake, sledding, church trips to something called Fine Arts and so much more together. But quite recently these same people that I created so many amazing memories with, willingly walked out of my life.

We try to find time to hang out, but too often our schedules collide and there is no time to see each other. That used to happen all the time, but we didn’t worry because we knew we would see each other at church a few days later. But since they left, it feels empty all the time. The good memories are turning into a pain that I can’t get ride of and it now hurts every time I wake up and every time I see the shadow of what used to make me smile.

So one by one I take down each photo and place it into a box, knowing that someday I’ll be able to once again look back and smile. I come across a photo my best friend and I accidentally took upside down while filming a parody. Then there was the picture of us with pizza hanging out of our mouths, the funny ones, the serious ones and the ones that really have no reasons for existence, but are still there.

I look at the newly blank board. It’s so empty; I look at the wall itself with no more picture frames hanging on it. Again, it’s empty, and that is exactly how I feel, empty. And yet again it knows nothing of how it’s making me feel at the moment.

It’s time for a new start, I say to myself. New memories so I place a pin directly in the center of the board, it was something my mom bought me for doing so well at Nationals. I close the box and label it Round-Up-Jesus! And put it in the back of my closet, along with my old dolls, and hope that one day I could look back and smile at those memories again.



“Hey Bec," mom says over the phone, I sigh; I really don’t have time for this.

“What mom?” I ask annoyed

“I found a box in your old closet, it’s labeled ‘Round-Up-Jesus!’ do you know what it is? It’s taped shut, is it yours?” Suddenly the memory comes back.

Round-Up-Jesus! It was the cheer that our ensemble did freshman year. Our cheer had used to be just “Jesus” plain and simple but one day Tiffani was trying to get us in a circle so we could do our cheer and she kept saying, “round up, round up everyone, round up.”

We laughed at her and said Round up to mock her because it sounded like she was trying to round up cattle or something. Then we all put our hands in and Morgan piped up and said, “how about our cheer be, Round-Up-Jesus!” so that’s what we did. We then added hand motions and it became a small inside joke between all of us that we did all the time before our separation.

“Yeah mom, that box is mine, I’ll come home tonight after my last class and pick it up.”

“Okay, see you soon, love you.”

Later that night I arrived at home and quickly went upstairs, I barely said hello to my mom. I walked into my old bedroom that I used to share with my sister. My bed was gone and it was just hers, soon she would be graduating high school so her bed would probably be gone soon enough as well. I turn to look into my closet and there it sat. Under all her cloths a small little shoe box. I remember the day I put all of the pictures in there. I was so upset.

I grabbed the box and slowly took the tape off trying not to rip off the decorating that I worked so hard on. Although I never looked at the things inside, when I did get bored I decorated it. Once the tape was off I slowly lifted the lid to the box. The first picture I saw… the one with pizza hanging out of our mouths.

Sophia’s voice suddenly echoed in my mind, “This picture definitely defines our friendship right here, pizza, 3D glasses and all” she said reviewing it the day after it was taken on her computer. The next picture was the time at Stephanie’s party when I asked someone to scratch my back and Chloe reached out her hand. As soon as she did that we hear “Oops, my camera just went off,” and we look at Tiffani.

I smile at the memory of how Chloe’s most epic creeper picture came to be…

                                                                                                   

Written May of 2011