I want to tell a story but in order
to do so; I need you to think of a world with an endless amount of
possibilities. Open your mind to the things that may seem different, and set
your imagination free at the thought that anything is possible. If you can’t do
that, then check yourself out of this story immediately because I can guarantee
you will think that I am out of my mind, but I can also promise you, that every
word is true.
It started
with a boy so confident in himself that he thought relationships could come and
go as he pleased. Feelings never came along with them, and everyone was like
him. He had gone numb from the amount of times that he had been hurt, so
nothing could ever hurt him. To him, none of it mattered anyway.
He was someone
who believed he could get any girl, even the ones most guarded, most protected,
and even the ones most likely to say “no,” he could get them to say, “yes.”
Every promise that came off of his tongue and out of his mouth now seems like
yet another lie in his long list of lines to tell any girl that comes his way.
The full
story dealing with this monster is long and confusing, but I’ll shorten it up
enough. When I came across him, I didn’t realize he was marked in black shiny
marker with the words, “as is.” Even when I found out, I didn’t seem to care
about what kind of merchandise I was settling for. He seemed like he was a
precious gift, perfectly packaged with disguised gifts of liar and abuser
hidden inside. As I started to unwrap his packaging and dig deeper and deeper
into who this kid really was, he proved to be those two things and more.
However, his lies went over my head and his ability to manipulate feelings made
him something to be feared, not loved, and I should have recognized that. He
would convince you that he needed you, and make you feel bad for him even
though he lied to you, cheated on you, abused and manipulated your emotions and
stole the thing you hold most precious, your innocence.
When he was
done and couldn’t get the girl who says no to changer her mind, he kicked her
out of his mind and life with a few taps on a phone and pressing of send. I felt my heart get stabbed and ripped apart
like raw meat. Once in pieces, it dropped into my stomach for weeks, becoming
my only source of protein. Any other food , the smell, the texture, the attempt
at swallowing made the undigested pieces of my raw meaty heart come coursing up
through my body and only sometimes did I make it to the toilet.
That was
it. Just like that, it was over, and I was never the same. My heart literally
hurt. The “I told you so’s” came back in many forms, but never in the same way
twice, much like snowflakes except these snowflakes brown and soiled with evil
laughs because they were right and I was wrong.
My heart
never healed, and when it was put back through many therapeutic surgeries, it
wasn’t in the right place anymore. It looked for a home once again, a place to
go, heal and above all, to no longer be in pain. Just as it found a home, the
searching and seeking was over, the monster came back with his cheesy childish
smile, his brown freshly cut hair, and his piercing blue eyes.
He made me
laugh, told me he missed me, tickled me and reminded me of those moments that I
could picture so easily. The ones where laughter rained through his halls, the
ones where silence was broken by his mother making sure we weren’t breaking
house rules. The magical moments that I longed for, he reminded me of. Suddenly
without hesitation I was saying yes and leaning in for a long awaited kiss.
My heart
would be okay, and safe once again.
It became
obvious that it wouldn’t though. As I packed my bags and he stayed behind.
Distance supposedly makes the heart grow fonder, but not for cheaters or
sex-driven men who want nothing more out of life. I should have seen it coming,
the distance, the begging when he did talk to me. He became secretive, wouldn’t
tell me what was wrong. Eventually stopped talking until he uttered his
infamous, “I’ve been thinking…”
We all know
when that boy thinks, it’s never good, but I put my defense up and did
everything in my power to once again protect my heart including using his own
tactics against him. I made him laugh and remember. So we held on for a couple
more months. Over those months I celebrated another year of getting older, and
spent the first half of my day mad at my mother for not taking me to the one
place I wanted to go, and frustrated with him for doing the same. I brushed it
off though, and enjoyed my day snowed into his house, with his mother making me
a cake and his family singing to me beyond the glowing lights of the candles.
It was days like that where I
forgot what he could really do to me if he wanted. It was days like that where
I forgot what he was still doing to me. With each month my block of innocence
getting more and more chips in it. The relationship ended with one final
ultimatum. He took the thing I loved the most, and asked me to throw it away.
He asked me to change the very reason that I live move and breathe, and for what
in exchange?
Nothing. To me, I would receive
nothing in return if I made that trade. It was a sacrifice I couldn’t make, so
I begged and pleaded, I got down on my knees and made him watch my eyes turn
from joy at seeing him to bright fiery red. I made him listen to the sounds of
my newly crushed heart dripping chunk by chunk into the toilet. I made him… but
he asked me, “is that your final answer?”
All I did,
all I could do was nod, I just told him that it was over and shut my computer.
Just like that, the thing that was killing me slowly for a year and a half was
out of my life. All the times I tried to end it, the times I wanted to give up…
when it all boiled down to one. Tiny. Ultimatum.
