One Time

            The door closes and we lock it behind her. The bathroom door is next, followed by the blinds as I reach across the bed. I sit up to find him standing directly in front of me. I can feel my heart starting to pound against my chest, as my breaths get short. A year and a half later, and I still get nervous around him.

            He leans in and I close my eyes, every warm breath he takes, I can feel it on my face. Everything about him, his taste, his smell, the scratch of his unshaven face, it’s all familiar and comforting.

            We fall back onto my bed, my feet still dangling over the edge of the bed, and I feel his hands starting to search their way up my back, against my bare skin. They reach my shoulders and I put my arms up, submitting. All my worries about if this is right or wrong, slip away. I don’t care anymore; I love him that is all that matters. I expect the exposure to the air to be cold, but his chest leans against mine, and my back is against my bed. It’s warm.

            Now it’s my turn, he keeps kissing me as my hands find the bottom of his shirt and slide up the side of his body. His bare back is strong, and I can feel his muscles starting to tense reacting to my cold hands. His hands go over his head, and arms by his ears as I slide his green shirt off his body and let it fall to the floor. I run my hands over his chest, his heart is pounding just as hard as mine, his breath is uneven as well.

            Our eyes meet and I lay on my bed as his hands go to my pants. I feel the top of my jeans loosen and the sound of the zipper, reminds me of what is really happening. I straighten my legs and he grabs my jeans at my ankles and pulls. I squirm, letting everything slip off my body, leaving nothing hidden, everything about me revealed. His eyes scan my naked body, our eyes meet again and he smiles. I position myself on my bed, with my head now on my pillows as he strips the last big of his cloths off his body as they drop to the floor.

            His naked body climbs on top of mine. He knows exactly what to do; he starts at my lips, down my neck, my chest to my stomach, slowly moving further and further down. “No, Caleb!” My hands immediately move to cover my vital area as I think back to the beginning of the year.

At the end of the summer, my hands were busy pulling hands off of the thigh of my jeans. Move in day, I was moving a hand away from underwear, so it moved back to my thigh that was once off limits. The next visit was jumping off when one finger tried to slip in, “I let you touch, don’t ruin this for yourself…”

            I could feel my innocence starting to slip with every visit, the next time, piece by piece each layer of clothing came off as we took turns peeling them off each other. That’s how we got to this point; we made it two rounds without trying anything new, until break. Over break, his head started to move further and further down to where it is now and I stopped him, back then I didn’t want it to happen. I knew where I stood. He gave a disappointed grunt but I whispered, “I’m surprised you haven’t tried the finger again…” I looked at me with shock.

            “Do you want me to?” Yes, I wanted to say, but I don’t. His eyebrows rose, as they begged for an answer, but my lips didn’t move. I could feel his hand slide over and it stung, like a large tampon slipping inside. “Ow!” I verbalize, but he didn’t stop, “Okay, take it out.” “He listened, “it felt like you were inside my stomach.”

            “Did it really hurt that badly?”

            “I mean it wasn’t excruciating, but it did hurt.”

            “Then sex is going to be so painful…” he laughed and kissed me once again as I moan, thinking about the bittersweet day when he finally takes that from me. How much it’s going to hurt, but how great it’s going to feel. Finally, not having to say no to him, or myself.

            His words bring me back to reality, “come on, it’s not sex for you, you said so yourself…” he grabs my hands, and I resist. The last week plays in my mind, “it feels so good, you should let him…” my future roommate’s words echo in my mind. “If you love him, you would give him everything…” a snippy little voice seems to whisper in my ear

            My hands struggle, to fight him. I knew this was going to happen before he even came up, it’s been decided for days, but he doesn’t know this. I just can’t let him think that it is easy, I handed him the last couple without any fights. He knows that I’ve been slowly slipping as he helps me realize how satisfying every step we take closer and closer to truly being together. So my arms struggle to fight his, and I mentally battle all the thoughts running through my mind. “You can’t let him,” followed by, “but you want him to so badly! How much longer are you going to make the both of you wait!?”

And I give up.

 It’s warm, and wet, even if I could get him to stop, I wouldn’t want him to at this point, Kelly was right, it feels amazing. There is a familiar sting, but I don’t stop him, why should I?

For a moment I forget about all of the worries that should be running through my head, all I can think is why I waited so long. Why I made him wait if it was going to happen anyway, we’ve talked about getting engaged for months. Not now, we are still very young, but eventually. This moment together comes and quickly goes, and I let him know just by laughing. I let out a sigh and all he does is smile at me, and with a seducing look says, “So what are we going to do for me?”

“I don’t know…” I say with a smile, hoping that I can get away with not having to do anything, but I know that’s never part of the deal. “Whatever it is… we aren’t having sex…”

I turn the shower on and grab some towels, “not to rush you, but we only have about twenty minutes before we should leave to go see the movie.”

“Okay… just hop in I’ll be right in there.” My voice shakes, and I know he knows that I’m worried. I throw the towels on the counter, as he hops in and I grab the soap, shampoo and conditioner. I set them on the shower floor and close the shower curtain behind me.

“Hey, don’t be worried about it. Nothing is going to change.”

“Are you sure? How do you know?”

“Because, I love you. Nothing can change that…” I know that it’s just a line, things could change, but I kiss him anyway.

I kiss him because I love him. I kiss him because I’m afraid of losing him, I’m afraid of what might happen between us. The water comes splashing down on my face in little droplets; I kiss his shoulder, and his neck. I don’t want this moment to end, but it has to. We have a movie to get to.

We scrub each other down, and wash each other’s hair, and the water turns off and I grab the towels. As he grabs the towel from my hand our eyes meet and he mouths the words, “I promise.” I finally smile at him, I should trust him with this, I just don’t want to be hurt. This whole relationship I’ve been scared that saying no all the time might lead to… I shouldn’t even be thinking about it. He says he won’t break up with me if I keep saying no, so even now… it shouldn’t make a difference right?

That Awkward Moment was a great movie and a great way to get my mind off of the events of today. I want to hold it all in, remember it, because it was perfect… all of it. Up until the end that is. As he drops me back off at the dorms, he gives me one last goodbye kiss. I make sure to memorize everything about him, the feeling of his face, his lips on mine. The smell of his breath in my face, the scent of my deodorant on him, and the smell of his cloths. The feeling of his hair in my hands, and the sparkle of his blue eyes that just begged me to love him more.

            I study him; as if this is the last time I will ever see him. The last time I will get to kiss him, as if these are the last few happy moments I will have to remember him by. As he slips out the doorway, it’s like a movie moment. When our hands slowly slip from each other, and he whispers I love you as he leaves the dorms. “I’ll be back in a week!”

            “Actually I compete in a week!”

            “Then make it two!” I smile, and a feeling of relief comes over me. Two weeks, that’s all I have to wait to see him again, to kiss him again.

            A couple weeks later, and I hear his familiar ringtone blaring from my desk. I reach across, thankful for the break from homework, hopefully this conversation will be long and take some of the stress off of all the work I still have to do.

            “Hello sweetheart!” I say excited to get a call from him, but I don’t get the response I hoped for.

            “Soph, it’s Mrs. Knight.”

“Oh, hey, what’s going on?”

“Sorry, I would have called on my phone, but it died. Has Caleb talked to you?”

“No, he said he had to go into work today… so I was waiting for one of his breaks.”

“Well, yeah, Caleb went snow boarding yesterday instead since he had the day off, but he fell. When he went into work today, he had a hard time breathing, while he was trying to weld one of the crates together… he passed out. So they called the ambulance, and took him to the hospital. We found out that two of his ribs are fractured. He’s been in the hospital all day.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Possibly, they are running tests now.”

“Okay, well can you keep me updated?”

“Actually… you might want to come down if you can. He may be okay, but he’s having a rough time, and I’m sure he could use the company. I could send Brittany up there to get you.”

“Yeah, I’ll get ready now.”

“Okay, I will see you in two hours…” My roommate walks in as I hang up the phone.

“Sophie, what’s wrong?” she immediately asks, knowing that something is wrong.

“Caleb… he’s in the hospital. It may not be looking good. Bailee… I’ve seen all the bones episodes. He has two fractured ribs, what if one of them puncture something?”

She comes over to my bed and gives me a hug, “I’m sure he will be okay…”

“And if he isn’t?”

“I guess I just have one question… do you regret that weekend?” It takes me a minute. If he dies tomorrow, will I have regretted the decisions I made just a couple of weeks ago?

It’s simple. “No.”

“Well there you go, now go comfort him, be by his side and pray for him. That’s all you can do…”

I arrive at the doctors, and he looks pale, very pale and his lips are very red. Quickly I realize the red is because he has been coughing up blood. “Hey babe,” he says reaching for my hand. Brittany had said that I shouldn’t tell him anything that might cause him to panic or worry, so I just grab his hand.

“Look, I’m sorry for freaking out… I have no reason to worry. You’re right…”

We sit in the hospital for hours, waiting for answers, but every time we hear some news it’s not good. In the end, my worst fears are realized. “He has a collapsed lung because of the changes of the pressure in his chest. This is often caused by a broken rib, such as yours, tearing into the lung causing a puncture in the chest wall.”

            “So basically, there is free air in his lungs that is causing it to collapse?”

            “Precisely.”

            “So what does this mean when it comes to Calebs’s future health?”

            “Well since he waited so long to come to the doctors, it’s not good… “ My eyes start to fill with the stinging water they naturally provide in moments like this. The thought of losing him is so unbelievable. This is supposed to work out; we are supposed to grow old together, figure things out together, I’m supposed to get to have his kids.  We are supposed to get married!

            I can’t help but think about that day that he came up, how I memorized everything about him as I kissed him one last time before he left. How I thought he was going to leave, and not come back just like every time. Except, the difference between that time, and the times before it was… a lot.

            Before that day, I had always said no. I always told him that I wasn’t ready to have sex, but that day we went further than usual. They always say that when the time comes, and it’s the right person you will know… and I knew.

He grabbed the condom out of his wallet, he swore it wasn’t old, he even had the receipt. Right before, he asked one last time. All I did was nod, and say, “yes, I love you.” Slowly it slipped in, and like we figured, it was painful, but he was gentle about it. With every little move he was careful, and understanding. It was… unforgettable. When it was over, all he did was kiss me, and asked, “Are you okay?”

I nodded, but only said, “I love you.”

“I love you too, and it’s not because you just gave me what I’ve been asking for… I promise. I’m not going to leave, Sophie, I love you.” He kisses me once again as we sit up.

That’s when we noticed. It had broke.

He told me I had nothing to worry about, that it’s not going to happen the first time, but I of all people should know better. It only took my parents one time to have me; they weren’t even supposed to be having sex because of my mother’s surgery. But you know, my dad begged and my mom said yes and that was the night I was conceived.

After a quick panic attack, that is when we hopped into the shower. When I arrived at the hospital, I had already had many signs starting. I just started having morning sickness, tender breasts, mood swings, my appetite had changed. Then the obvious happened, I missed my period. The morning of the day Mrs. Knight called, I had taken the test, and it had come out positive. On the ride to the hospital, I told Brittany what had happened. She knew something was wrong when I was getting car sick, and then being quiet about it.

As I look at him, I can see Caleb in his tiny little face. He has Caleb’s eyes, and it makes me miss him. Caleb only made it a couple more days in the hospital, before his lungs couldn’t hold on much longer. I told him about the pregnancy before he passed, and we came up with names together. We argued about what the boy name might be, but I told him that if he didn’t make it the name would be Caleb, so I could tell him about his dad.  The girl… her name would be Lillian, Lilly for short.

The doctor hands me Lilly and for the first time, I get to hold both of them in my arms. Mrs. Knight tells me to smile, and she takes a picture of me with our kids. “Caleb and Lilly, don’t worry, you are in good hands.” She whispers as she kisses Lilly on the head, “they are adorable.”

“They are going to be the best way to remember him,” I try to force a smile but the tears come fast. I miss him, and I always will, but they will give me a reason to talk about him.