Naked Saturdays

It’s Saturday night, I am sitting in my computer chair, the room is spinning a little, the window is crooked, and the pillows are doubled, or maybe that’s how many pillows I actually had on my bed. That’s a lot of pillows; no wonder Evan throws them off my bed. This is thanks to the Strongbow that Rachel got me for my twenty-first birthday, and the bottles of wine Katie brought in the night I turned twenty-one. I look at Evan as he is unbuckling his belt, and starting to unzip his pants, which are too loose for his waist anyway. As the jeans slide down his perfectly round butt, and past his knees his red briefs fitting snuggly around each butt cheek, I can’t help but think, “dammit I wish we were having sex.” I find myself wanting to take off the rest of his cloths, strip him down to nothing so that when he turns around his dick is fully erect and hanging in my face waiting for my hands, or lips to slide right over it.

But instead of ripping off his cloths from behind, he turns around, placing his hands on the arms of my chair and leaning into my face he gently kisses me. My hands slide over his oblique’s and under his waste band, grabbing his ass with both hands, as he lets out a soft moan. I wriggle my wrists into his briefs more so they will slide off easier, and as I lift my arms, I slide my hands down his legs, leaving him completely naked in front of me, like I have already seen many times, in more ways than one.

One night we were laying on the couch and I was telling him what I would expect out of my husband. That he be a Christian, who comes to church with me, helps the kids study for Junior Bible Quiz, and prepare for Missionettes or Royal Rangers during the week. I know how to be a father. He retorted, and from there it just led to stifled tears and when the night ended I stood up and pecked him on the cheek. Goodnight, I said, with a sniff, sucking all the dripping snot back into my body. Want me to tuck you in? He asked, and trying to keep an unwavering voice, I said no, that’s okay. Goodnight, I love you. That night we were naked, and clothed at the same time. And when I went to bed that night, I sobbed, but quietly into his dark pillow, because I didn’t want him to hear me cry, and I could not help but picture him standing outside the door doing the same, and listening for signs that I was upset.

Another night, shortly before that, we were at the zoo for the lights before Christmas, and it was coldest night of the year. I was wearing my winter boots, with two pairs of socks, leggings, jeans, leg warmers, a bra, tank top, shirt, sweater, jacket, coat, scarf, gloves, earmuffs, and a hat. I even considered walking around with a blanket, I went that whole night knowing that Evan had something important to tell me, yet I carried on with a smile, and those serious conversations about how I don’t understand how people could believe that we came from apes. I mean, sure they are smart, and have thumbs or whatever, but it doesn’t make sense to me the bible does… I said trailing off, and I knew that he didn’t want to get into that conversation right there so I changed it. Oh hey, let’s go through the aquarium. From there, I explained my family; oh there was so much to explain. The fights, the family services scares, and visits that happened every year, I also told him about the day Bethany moved out. Kim, our social worker, showed up at the door, and as Bethany came down, she flaunted that every article of clothing she was wearing was mine. Yeah, and there’s nothing you can do about it, she taunted, and with Kim watching, the scene escalated, as Bethany called me Mom’s princess, saying that I get everything that I want, but yet I can’t get someone better than Tyler. Someone who doesn’t treat me better, or respect me, and as she passed, I grabbed her long blonde hair and yanked my fist angrily to the floor, as her body followed behind it. That’s it, are there any adults we could call to separate you two? Bethany can’t be left alone, and she can’t be left with you. So we called Pam and Andy, our Aunt and Uncle, and when they picked Bethany up, I left for work and didn’t see Bethany for over a month. We were naked then too, but that’s not why I was explaining this night, it was because after telling him all of that, after him being in my house, and hearing the fights first hand, and the crazy mutt, and the overly excited purebred that we rescued off the streets, he still smiled at me. We walked through a place at the zoo where the trees were a foot above our head, and every free inch of the trees were covered in alternating red and white lights, and Evan pulled me to the side, in a little divot that was meant for romantic moments, such as homecoming proposals, or marriage proposals. Instead he placed his gloved hand on my cheek, it was cold, but it was the gesture that mattered. His eyes smiled, and he bit his lip and his mouth followed his eyes, as he whispered, I love you... and that was the first time he said it.

Evan breaks away from the kiss and whispers in my ear, “we are not having sex tonight.” I nod; no loosing our virginities would not be something to do when our bodies have consumed large amounts of alcohol, I can’t help but think about everything else though. Why I always have to pee when we are in the middle of these intense sexual encounters, or that I left my ballet flats under the coffee table, or the cards that I won in Cards Against Humanity. What will I have a hard time explaining to my children? Mufasa’s untimely death. What was the reason my last relationship ended? Auschwitz. (Blank) Kid tested, mother approved, the Oedipus complex. Hey babe, come over and I will show you (blank). Slide show presentations.

You don’t have a condom do you? I ask in a normal voice, no need to whisper with everybody dancing and screaming just outside the door. He shakes his head, no I promised you I never would, so I don’t. Right, I did make him promise that, at the very beginning of this thing, when we both realized what this relationship means to us, and how it would be so easy to just… slip. Which I am now questioning if I even care if it should happen to accidently slip in, I know I would after it happened, but during all of this, I hate saying no. Not for him, for me. It’s supposed to be this precious little gift that I get to save and keep for him, or someone like him, but I really hope it’s Evan. The reality though is that anyone could take it. I could get pulled into an ally on the way home and what was once meant for Evan I could no longer give him.

Sometimes I hate being a virgin. I say, crawling into bed, both of us now naked. I put the playing around on pause, and because of my own moral limits, and because Evan knows me I know this conversation won’t change anything, but he needs to know what I’m thinking. We aren’t having sex tonight, but part of me wishes we were.