It's Not My Thing: Part Three

            We stand in the cold gym cheering for Whitney, as she competes floor finals. We mercied Daniel in on pommel horse and Kyla in on floor for the level eights, and we spend the rest of the morning together as a team, roaming the city. Zara spent the morning thinking that I was mad at her, and for a moment I wondered if I was, if it wasn’t for my own actions and my own words towards the team, they would have grouped me together with Zara as a person who hates everyone on the team. I realize though that if everything that everyone said yesterday is true, I need to talk to Zara about our friendship.

             As we look out over a river once all the competition is over, and we have taken our fare share of videos. Secretly wishing Daniel good luck, the high fives after he nailed his pommel horse routine. Whitney shined, as usual, and so did Kyla.

            I stand with the wind blowing in Zara’s faces and mine. “The year is almost over, things are going to change…” I say trailing off.

            “Yeah, but I think we will be okay, don’t you?”

            “I think so, even though we aren’t living together next year?”

            “Yeah,”

            “Even when you graduate? What is going to keep us together?” I bring up the fact that she graduates this upcoming December because of how many credits she walked out of high school with.

            “The fact that we care about each other, and we have been through a lot together already?” I nod, maybe she is right, but maybe my teammates are right too. The Zara I met last year is not the Zara that is standing next to me in matching sweatshirt. But I think that we have both changed. I was so set on that high school boyfriend, terrified of getting hurt. I had family that I wasn’t talking to last year, and now things are better. I have become more straightforward when I have needed to, and maybe the difference that I feel in me at the end of every year is me getting growing stronger.

            As soon as we get back to the room, Zara starts the drinking because the banquet is tonight. I don’t really blame her for this one, almost everyone at the banquet will be drunk by the time we receive our awards. This will be different than last year though, last year she left early because she knew that it would disappoint Tyler if she stayed, but this year she doesn’t want to miss out.

            I leave our room mainly because of Zara, but also because I heard that someone had bobby pins, and Paige wanted me to do her hair. I walk into the party room to see Kyla on the floor gripping her stomach, Shawn on the bed laughing, and Daniel looking for something under the bed that Shawn is on.

            “What just happened?” I ask, as Kyla stands up, stops her phone from recording and shows me the video. It starts out with the music to frozen, Kyla pushes Daniel to the ground, and they start lip singing. As the video progresses, it gets more and more funny. Then you see Shawn stand on one bed, and jump, like a whale onto the next bed, and there is a loud bang that comes from the phone. “What did he do!?” I ask.

            “He thought he broke the bed!” Kyla says in hysterics.

            “But we didn’t find anything broken.” Daniel says letting out a couple of laughs.

            “Dude, we need to make another one.” Kyla says, setting her phone down.

            “Oh, I got a good song!” Shawn says running over to the speaker and starts to play Shut Up and Dance. We do this for the next hour, and eventually Whitney and Paige join in.

            I head back to the all girls room and start to do everyone’s hair, and then my own. Zara continues to drink, and for the first time I realize that she has been sober long enough to compete, march in, and be hung over. Minutes before we leave for the banquet, I change my dress because although it is pretty, and my hair is pretty and my make-up is perfect, I don’t feel pretty. I change into a pink dress instead of blue, one that is floral and not sequenced. I like this dress more. “I have to talk to you,” Will says as I exit the “all boys, plus Kyla room.” I take him down the hallway so we have some privacy. “Should I read into anything that Zara is doing this weekend? The hand holding, the constantly being around me?” I nod, and tell him that she still likes Will and has feelings for him, but she loves Tyler. For what reason, I don’t know, but that is the way it is.

            “Is that it?” I ask, annoyed that I have to talk with Will about this.

            “No, what is wrong? Zara thinks that you are mad at her.”

            “Nothing is wrong, I’m not mad at her. Can I go back to the room now?”

            “Hey,” he stops me, grabbing me by the shoulder and turning me to look at him. “Hey, it’s not just Zara that wants to know if you’re okay. Talk to me, I want to know too. This isn’t about her, it’s about you.”

            Suddenly all of the feelings of disappointment that I have been getting from her all week, and all year collide. I am mad with her, I told her about my Dad and how I don’t want to even be around drinking right now and that is all she has done during Nationals. Everybody else, I let get away with the drunkenness, but she should know better. I tell Will about my family, and my Dad. I pause.

            “What else is there? Something else is on your mind.”

            And then my biggest secret of all comes out. “I mean, is she prettier than me? Is that why all these guys came after her?” We hear Zara yelling our names from down the hallway and we take cover behind a bend in the wall and start whispering. “It wasn’t just you that asked me about her being single, it was other guys on the club, people we have known outside of the club, and I’m just sitting here like, ‘okay, I’m waiting…’” I start crying. “I am so messed up when it comes to relationships. I wanted Daniel to kiss me and I still backed away from him, and screamed in his face. I mean I had to do a lot of work to accomplish that. I had to duck and dodge. Yet, she gets all the guys, she gets everything that she wants, and I feel like I am just always fighting a losing battle! I feel like even when I escaped my family and that constant fight, I am still there. Just with new battles that I will never win.” He gives me a hug, and I soil his button down shirt as I cry onto his shoulder.

            He doesn’t say anything which allows me to continue on, “the thing that sucks the most is that she doesn’t understand what it was like growing up with the family that I had. In the home that I had, she sits there and says all these terrible things about the apartment, and she doesn’t get that the apartment is probably the best place I have ever lived in.” All of the words continue to flood out, every little thing. “I now wear thongs because of her, she’s has tried so hard to get me to wear tampons, she is always changing me, changing the way that I think, act, talk.

            “Well, when it comes to the dating part, you just can’t keep thinking about it. The more you think about it, the more this ‘wait’ that you have for dating right now, will suck.” I nod, and cry a little bit more and once I am done he wipes my tears, “are you good now? I can’t really give you advice on the thongs thing… but you know…”

            I laugh and nod, I realize that he never answered my question, so I ask it in a different way. “You and I had a thing going at the end of my freshman year, but I ended it. Then you went to Zara, and even when she is in a relationship, you don’t stop waiting for her, and hoping. Why do you wait for her and not me?”

            He stops, and faces me, we are still hidden in the hallway from everyone. “The reason I didn’t wait for you is because I realized that you and I are just two different people. I am not what you are looking for and we both know that, I am never going to be that religious guy that you want. You know that, besides, you deserve everything that you think that you deserve. You have that long list of standards that you told me about those months ago. You know that you deserve that, Zara doesn’t think that she deserves better. Does that make sense?”

            “Are you saying you think you’re not good enough for me?”

            “I’m saying I know that you know that I know that you think that I’m not good enough for you.” I feel my eyes move side to side I think about everything that we just talked about.

            “I think I followed that, but you’re a great guy Will. Whether you were meant for me or not.” I laugh, and we head back to the room. “I have to grab my phone though, I think I left it in the party room.” He nods, and follows me to the room. The door is still propped open, so I walk in and see Daniel and Megan with their lips pressed against each other, alone in the room. I let out an awkward cough, grab my phone, and as I turn to head out, I lock eyes with Daniel. Just by the look on his face, I know that my face says exactly how much what I just witnessed hurts. “Oh my God,” I say, walking past Will, who didn’t see what I just walked in on.

            “Callie, what just happened?” Will asks, making a u-turn and running after me.

             “Callie, I can explain, let me!” Daniel says running after me, and past Will. I throw up my hand telling him to back off.

            While we are at dinner, I tell Will about what I walked in on. I end up switching tables because Zara is so drunk that she ends up flinging her spicy chicken across the table at me, and gets the sauce in her hair. First I videotaped the scene, while Daniel came over and helped her, then I left the table the minute that he looked at me. “Callie, let me explain what happened.”

            “You’re a much better friend than me,” I say to Daniel in passing, ignoring him trying to apologize for something he shouldn’t. He has the right to kiss whoever he wants, “I know…” he says, giving up trying to give me an explanation and walks off. As I sit at the new table, completely frustrated with Zara at this point, I think about all that has happened at Nationals alone, and the fact that summer is literally just around the corner. It’s almost time for me to go back to that life that I had last summer, except this time it will be in North Carolina with a ton of kids. With that incredible Jesus high, and things happening all the time, things that I couldn’t explain. Strangers telling me things that I needed to hear, different strangers giving me confirmation, and upon request those very mornings. Then I think about the boy back home, the one that fits most of my standards, my heart sinks. I still have so many questions for him, and one heck of a story to tell him. I need to get in touch with him again, mostly because I need to move on from Daniel, and need to get reacquainted with someone who is actually what I am looking for, not just what I want. I pull out my phone and start typing a quick text. “Hey Jason, I know it’s been a while since we have talked, but I was thinking about this last summer, and I have some questions for you. Would you want to get coffee sometime when I am home?”

            I shove my phone down my dress, I find Kyla in her white and grey classy dress, and her long thick brown hair in perfect curls, and after the banquet I dance with her, and Shawn all night. I watch as Kyla gets her bronze medal, kissing a stranger. I listen as Shawn talks discreetly during my dancing break, about earning his silver medal, having sex with a stranger. “Are you going to go for the gold next time?”

            He laughs, “No, all of the judges are old… or men.” I laugh, it’s true. “Have you received your bronze?” I look at him for what seems like the first time tonight. He is wearing a white button down, a purple bow tie and a grey sweater over the button down. He looks good.

            I shake my head, “no, but I have an honorable mention ribbon…” he looks at me curiously, “kissing a teammate.” He laughs, and takes my hand back out onto the dance floor. He is about a foot and a half taller than me, and his butt comes to my ribcage, but it doesn’t matter, dancing with him is still fun. Any time that Zara comes near me to tell me of her affections for me, and how great of a roommate I suddenly am, I dodge her and I follow Kyla’s slender figure away from Zara. Eventually I head off to bed, but I don’t make it to bed.

            “Callie, I made a huge mistake, I need your help.” Zara says walking up to me as I walk through the door of our room; I can smell all of the alcohol on her breath. “I kissed Will and Tyler is going to kill me, we are never going to be okay.

            “Zara, I don’t want to hear it right now, I’m too tired, come tell me in the morning.” I say, shoving past her and trying to make it to the bed. “Callie, I really need you right now. I kissed Will, and I don’t know what to do about Tyler.”

            “Well, I could have seen this one coming.” I say throwing my hands in the air.

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “You’ve been drunk since you got here! You’ve only been sober long enough to compete and be hung over!” I yell, and the voice that is screaming doesn’t sound like my own. In the distance, there is yelling coming from another room, which I am shocked at. Who is in our hotel room that is yelling? It doesn’t sound pleasant either.

            “Where is this coming from?” She yelled back to me.

            “I have taken care of you every time you have been trashed, holding your hair over the toilet at parties in January. I have been there through the Will break ups, and the Tyler break ups. I’ve been here, but my family is falling apart because of alcohol, and you can’t seem to stay sober enough to just hang out with me. That’s a great friend right there. Now when I am tired, and ready to go to bed, you once again tell me that I need to be a friend, when you haven’t been one to me all week!” At this I know I hurt her, and that’s when Will walks in and see’s the steam coming off my head, grabs me by the arms and walks me out of the room.

            “Hey, calm down. Just sit out here, I’m going to take care of Zara for a minute, calm her down and then I will be right out here. Okay?” I nod, firmly and watch him go back to precious Zara.

            The screaming stops from the other room, and I see Daniel walk out. He looks ticked. He see’s me, and leans up against the wall as he slowly slides down to take a seat next to me.

            “You look ticked,” I say.

            “I am.” He says, and stops for a minute, “I’m sorry, I meant to tell you about Megan. There was stuff going on, and we weren’t sure about our feelings, but now it’s nothing, I promise. Besides she kissed me.”

            “It’s not your fault Daniel, we resolved things, we are friends again. You have the right to feel whatever you want to feel, you can’t go through your dating life thinking and wondering how I am feeling about you.”

            “That is true, but considering you are friends with both of us, I should have told you.”

            “That is true…” I stop, and sigh. I hate that I have feelings for him; I hate the jealousy that creeps in every time I see him taking interest in someone else. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I feel this way all the time, I’m fine being friends with you and then there are moments where I just… I look at you and it’s like every little feeling I have ever felt towards you pours into one combined energy and every ounce of me j ustwants you, and it takes everything I have to…” I stop; I can’t do this to myself.

            “Not to what?”

            “It’s nothing Dan,”

            “No, come on Cal, are we really back at this?”

            “Not to tell you that I…” I take a breath, “That I… I freaking love you.” He doesn’t respond, so I continue, “and I don’t love you in the pitiful way that I loved Douche-bag  in high school. I don’t love you the same way that I love my family, or the rest of the team. It is everything about you, all at once, everything combined. I love you as my friend, I love you as my brother, I love you as my teammate, and I just love you and every little flaw that you have.” He still doesn’t say anything; “I think that I just love you in a different way than you could ever love me.”

            “Why?” He finally moves, and looks at me.

            “It’s a whole… Christian thing, so it’s not your thing.” I wave my hand so he will back off, but it doesn’t work.

            “Try me, explain.”

            So I do, and the whole step of the way, he follows me. Agreeing with the same claims that I make, “we assume that the bible is true for the sake of this conversation, okay?”

            “Okay,” I continue… “Would you agree with…”

            “Yes, I would say from that perspective that would be correct.”

            He continues to follow, but I still feel like I am getting no where, like nothing I say will ever get through him. I tell him about how nobody can know real love until they know Jesus, the whole thing that we are taught from a young age, and it’s true. Nobody really knows what real love is, because they have never experienced it, or until you come face to face with it during some supernatural God experience. I finish and he shakes his head, “I can see why you would say that, but I don’t believe that the bible is true…”

            And there it is.

            “God, what don’t you get about it?” I say, throwing my hands to the floor, the ongoing frustration with Zara is now carrying over to Dan, and I hate it, but I can’t control it anymore.

            “I’m sorry Callie, if there was any proof…”

            “Any proof…” I laugh, and stand up. “I’m done, the Holy Spirit is just going to have to whack you over the head before you finally start to believe anything that I say. I don’t know why you bothered to sit there and listen to it if you knew that you would never believe me.” I rub the back of my dress, making sure that it is laying the way it should and start to walk away, “I’m gonna go back to the room, I’m tired and should claim a bed while I can. Hopefully Zara has calmed down.”

            He follows, “I sat down and listened so I could understand what it is you see. Every part of what you said was based off of assuming that the bible is true.”

            “Yeah, but believing in anything that might be good for you besides gymnastics and essential oils, is not your thing. So forget about it.”

            “I don’t understand why you’re being like this. Why are you mad?”

            “I’m not mad, I’m just tired.”

            “You are mad, I can hear it in your voice, and the fact that if we were anywhere else, you would be speed walking away from me and straight to the room.”

            “Daniel, I’m mad because you know what I believe, you know how I feel, you know you know you know, and yet I get to know nothing. You never tell me what you are thinking, how you are feeling, what is going on in your mind. You just make these statements of, ‘yeah but I don’t believe the bible is true,’ okay, so what do you believe? Do you believe that there is a God? Do you believe that you will go to heaven, or in reincarnation?” My mind just starts going to every question I have had about him and between him throughout the years. “Because I know what I believe, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is true. I’ve seen things, I have heard stories, I have been in those worship services where the Holy Spirit comes and just knocks everyone who enters that sanctuary to the floor in the middle of worship. Even the worship team was knocked out, and you know what? The piano kept playing! I’ve been there, I’ve seen it, it’s supernatural and completely indescribable and undeniable. I know that heaven and hell are real, and I know where we go when we die! And when you die? When you die, you will not go to heaven, you my friend are going to hell.” I realize that my words are vicious and stern. They are terrible to say, but I haven’t said anything more true to him in my entire life. “Because although you are one of the most respectful guys I have ever met, you are so nice, and you care about other people, none if it matters. That’s not what matters, what matters is if you know God.” I place my hand on his chest, making it clear that knowing about God and having a relationship with God are two different things.

            I take a deep breath and continue, “Because you can be a Christian all your life, but if you don’t live it out, you can still get to heaven and God will say ‘I never knew you.’ He would rather you not be a Christian your whole life, then knowing that he exists, but does nothing about it. You don’t even have that option though, because I have told you. I’ve told you those stories. It comes down to the fact that it scares me Dan.” I say softly, looking at him for what seems like the first time since we stood up. “It scares me that if Jesus were to come back tomorrow, I’d be leaving you behind. It scares me that if we get into an accident on the way home and none of us make it out, that Kyla and I are the only ones that will ever see each other again, and I didn’t do enough to save you. Above all it breaks my heart every time that I look at you knowing this. It makes me sick half of the time because although I’m scared for you, I can’t do anything about it than what I am doing now. Although I want you to be saved, I can’t stand to look at you because it makes me sick to my stomach, and that sucks because I love you. That’s just the beginning of everything that I am struggling with when it comes to you.”

            “What else is there? Since you’re in the mood to be so honest.”

            I pause and think about it. I shouldn’t ask it, I can’t ask it, but I do. “I mean… did you want to kiss me?” I ask, and when he stands there speechless, once again I continue. For heaven’s sakes, I’m doing a lot of talking tonight. “Why did you offer to let the kiss happen if you didn’t want to kiss me? You wouldn’t, offer if you didn’t want it to happen. So you did want it to happen,” I’m nodding my head, I’m rambling, “but you didn’t want the result of what would become of the kiss, the awkwardness, the pain, the guilt, but if you let me kiss you then we would both get what we wanted. I was drunk enough that it could be an excuse, and when it was weird, and hurtful, when all of it came afterwards, you were over the kiss; you were over the fact that I wanted to kiss you. You didn’t care about any of that, you never did. You cared about the fact that we still had to pretend that neither of us enjoyed it.” I stop, and I just talked myself into figuring out what he was thinking. I think.

            I don’t know what to do; I don’t know what my face is even doing now. I find that we are inches away from each other. He is holding my biceps as I am calmly, but quickly talking to him. I realize this, and pull myself away from him. I head off to the room in silence. I think I am supposed to be crying right now, so consumed with anger at his lack of response that I would just be sitting on the floor sobbing in his arms, or at least something other than being paralyzed by what I just said to him. I am completely calm as I go to open the door, he grabs me by the arm and turns me to look at him.

            “Hey, have a seat.” He says, and once again we are sitting against the wall. He doesn’t say anything, as usual, but for some reason it’s not frustrating. It’s calming, maybe he is thinking about what I said.

            I wake up when Daniel sets me in the bed, and pulls a cover over me, “good night Callie,” he says, and my eyes are still closed.

            He leans over and kisses me lightly on the forehead, as he turns, I grab his hand and pull him towards me a little bit, and through my last breaths before I fall asleep again I whisper, “everything I do for you is because I love you...”

            “I know…” he says, and he says something else, but I am already asleep, and I don’t make out the words.

            We hear a knock on the door at seven in the morning; I ignore it because I am assuming it is a teammate who woke up in a stranger’s room. “We are having a leaders meeting,” Zara says to me, as she tugs on my shoulder. At these words, I am up. I sit up, and with the first swallow, I realize that my throat is sore. I think back to last night, was it a dream? Me yelling at Daniel, that had to be a dream right? I wouldn’t say any of that to him, would I? I look at my phone, sometime early this morning Jason responded. “Umm, possibly. What is it you wanted to talk about?” I smile and lock my phone.

            As we sit in the cold hallway, I ask what happened, “I’m pissed,” Shawn says, “So am I…” Will and Daniel reply, but nobody tells me what happened until we are all together. Shawn and Daniel take turns describing walking into the all boys, plus Kyla room and finding Mike lying in bed, naked with a stranger. Kyla at the time was asleep already, not knowing what had been happening in the room. “Get out!” Megan shouted and pointed towards the door. “Nice to meet you guys!” the other guy says as Shawn flips out on Mike for bringing a stranger into the safety of our rooms. “It was on Shawn’s air mattress, my blankets, and Mr. McFinn’s” Daniel says, clearly ticked. Mr. McFinn’s is his pillow pet dolphin. We decide that there is going to be a team meeting after the mock awards at the end of the year. Which are in two weeks. Meanwhile, on the way home, Kyla, Daniel, Shawn and I find out that we are terrible at telling stories, so instead we make videos of us dancing in the car. We play I spy for a good ten minutes before it gets boring, and we dance to Shut Up and Dance a few more times, with these three, the time in the car flies.

            Daniel is behind the wheel as I turn up the worship music, and try to sleep. As soon as I close my eyes, I feel a tap on my leg and open my eyes. I wasn’t really sleeping, I was trying to, but I take out my headphones and ask him what he wanted. “Can you keep me awake?” he says rubbing his tired eyes.

            I nod, “So…” I search for something to talk about, considering I don’t remember much of the last conversation, and he probably does. I was tired at that point, physically, mentally and emotionally. “Have you heard from any colleges yet?” Now that the dream of Nationals is over, and somehow just as amazing as I thought it would be, and as crappy as I hoped it wouldn’t be, it’s really sinking in that Daniel might be leaving. I try to avoid the whole walking in on him and Megan conversation, and the conversation we had last night; in fact, I have other questions for him.

            “Only one…” he launches into telling me about how he sent videos to numerous colleges, but didn’t get a response. “I know I might be a joke to some of them, and they may have had their good share of laughs from me, but I had to try. You know?” I nod, I feel like I am finally connecting with him fully once again despite what happened last night.

            I nod, but I take the hint that he can’t see it, “yeah, I know.” I take a moment, and decide to test the waters, to see what he remembers, “so how was last night for you?” I ask, worried that he’s going to say something along the lines of “great until you started yelling at me.”

            “It was actually pretty good, until we walked in on Mike, but everything up to that point was great.” I must have fought with him afterwards then, I think.

            I decide to just be straight with him, “so I’m guessing our fight happened after walking in on Mike and his special friend?”

            “I wouldn’t say it was a fight, you were just being extremely honest. Which I like that Callie more than the one that tries to keep secrets from me.”

            “Well to be honest I don’t really remember much of what I said last night.”

            “Maybe you will eventually. Like before you go to sleep or something, maybe it will just come to you. Or sometimes you know smells, or things people say can trigger memories.”

            “Yeah, I guess so.” I think back to last night, and the actual events of last night,

            “So have you thought about that conversation that we had before my birth-“

            “Hey, can we pull over at the next rest stop? I am really thirsty.” Shawn says waking up, and that ends our conversation

            The last few weeks of the semester happen quickly, but they are packed with events. Megan, gets into a car accident and we find out over snap chat. We go to visit her at home as a team, and we play cards, and go out for pizza. During that time Shawn texts Daniel asking him what he is doing next Saturday, and after Daniel answers, Shawn never responds. Daniel thought it was weird, and so did I… until I got an invite to Daniel’s surprise birthday party. I draw Kyla for my mock award and decide to get her food because she is always eating. The day of mock awards, I scroll through my news feed and see that my sister is in the hospital. I stand up and make a call home. My mother answers the phone, “why is Noel in the hospital?” I ask immediately.

            My Mom replies in muffled tears through the phone, “she tried to commit suicide!” The team can hear my wails coming from the hallway and into the gym, and when I finally get the full story, my Mom tells me to stay at Eastern, and be with my friends, she will be all right. I calm down and walk back into the gym. Kyla, Shawn, and Whitney are the first to come over and give me a hug. When they ask what is wrong, I start crying again. “I’ll be praying for her,” Kyla says, rubbing my shoulder.

            I find that I am disappointed that Zara didn’t come over, but maybe she was trying to give me my space, but that is not like her. It is like Daniel to do so, but it’s not like Zara. I eventually tell the team individually, and they all react in different ways, but they make me feel a lot better by doing mock awards.

            During the mock awards we all laugh, about Megan and her want for mashed potatoes when she is drunk. We laugh about Zara getting a plunger, and a sash that says, “Queen of Shit Show.” I thought that award was fitting for her. Kyla thanks me for the food, and shares her donuts with me. The awards go on, and afterwards, we decide as a team to put the teammate who brought someone into on of our rooms for sex, on probation, which makes the rest of practice kind of awkward, but I didn’t care. I thought he should be kicked off for good, but I am only one voice in the whole club, despite being one of its leaders.

            By now, Zara has practically moved out, and I am visiting Will to help with Dozer, “Zara actually mentioned being worried about your friendship.” He says off to the side, “after that final day at Nationals. I know you briefly talked about it, but that was before the banquet.” I tell him that I am still not happy about what happened at nationals, and that I don’t think that Zara has taken a notice. I don’t even think she remembers me yelling at her because she hasn’t said anything to me about it. “She says that after all the little things that have happened this year, she wonders if it has just come to your friendship ending once she leaves Eastern for sure.”

            I shrug, “I don’t think our relationship is healthy, for me at least.”

            “So what are you going to do about it?” I shake my head.

            “Can all those little things… can they really destroy our relationship?”

            “I don’t think so, you guys are all the clichéd stereotypes of best friends. You have had your tough spots this year, and they have definitely shown through more-so now than ever, and they stand out more than the good does half of the time, but I think you guys will make it.”

            “I feel like I have been preparing to lose her, if you know what I mean. I dodged her half of Nationals, I stopped telling her secrets in what, January? I have been preparing myself for this for a long time.”

            “I think that you should still fight for your friendship.” I nod, “speaking of friendships, you seemed really close with Daniel at nationals. Everything’s good now?”

            “Yeah, I guess. I completely yelled at him at Nationals, about everything, the kiss, religion. You name it, but we seemed to be fine in the car. He did calm me down before he took me into the room. I just wish I could remember what he said to me as I was falling asleep.”

            “Well I was in the room, I could tell you?” My eyes widen, “he laid you down and you said, ‘everything I do for you is because I love you.’ And then he said he knew and responded, ‘everything I do is because I love you too.’ And that was that.”

            I nod at Will, who stares at me, “he was probably just caught up in the moment though.”

            Will bobs his head up and down, and without me asking, he starts. “Callie, you know before that night, I already knew how he felt about you. You know how I know?”

            “Because he told you?”

            “Well, I mean he did, but he showed me. Callie, he knows you, and if he didn’t love you, he would have dated you just because you gave him the opportunity. He probably would have taken your virginity if it went on long enough and the both of you had got impatient. However, he knows what you want, he knows that he is not ‘the one’ for you and because he loves you, he made that sacrifice to not be with you.” I know that Will is right, “and the way that he talks about you. How you are so full of life all the time, how you try so hard not to hurt anyone’s feelings, to lift people up not tear them down, how you really listen and that you really care. It is obvious how he feels if you take a step back and look at your friendship.” This makes me feel better, but there are still so many unanswered questions.

            I am still not sure what I want to do with my friendship with Zara, I am sure it will work itself out. Will is typically right, so he must be right about these little things not tearing us apart, right? I guess we will find out next year when I move in with Kyla, Whitney, Shawn and possibly Daniel if he comes back around.  Zara will not be there, and I guess I will find out when she leaves for grad school in the middle of next year. I guess, in time, we will find out if our friendship makes it.

            “I texted Jason…” I lead off changing the subject.

            “Really? You’re talking to him again?”

            “We were never really ‘talking’”

            “Anyway, what did you talk about?”

            “I asked him for coffee, told him I had some questions. He asked me what I wanted to talk about.” I sigh.

            “So what did you tell him?”

            “I told him the truth, I wanted to talk about what happened last summer. I mean, he dropped everything to help me move in, and Zara just kinda introduced herself, and I walked into the room, hearing them having a conversation about my feelings for him.”

            “Wait, she did what?” I nod.

            “Yep, she told him that I had feelings for him. Told him that I he fit my standards, and from what I heard, she made it sound like a high school crush and some petty standards, but that’s not what they were. That is why I was worried when it came to my friendship with Daniel.”

            “Why didn’t you tell me?”

            “I wanted to trust her… I figured if I told you, you would tell me the same things that I was thinking, and it would be that I couldn’t trust her.” Will nods.

            “So what did he say after you told him you wanted to talk about move in day?”

            “He said that yes he was put in a very awkward position at that point, but he would love to talk about what happened over the summer. I told him at the end that I also had one heck of a story to tell him.” I laugh, thinking about the summer, if I were to tell him everything that happened over the summer he wouldn’t believe me.

            “You think he will believe you? The story I mean? I mean, I’m not a Christian, but you believing what happened was enough for me… but that story… what you were told… it was about him. Like he is involved and has no idea. He literally has no idea the impact that he made on your life, and you are about to unload it all on him on one coffee date?”

            I nod, “It’s not a date, first of all.” I laugh, “But, that’s why I think it is time for me to tell him, I made my mistakes this year, especially with Daniel, and I know Jason doesn’t feel the same way about me so I might leave out some details, but he has to know the story. He has to know why, he has to know what happened.”

            “Do you really think it will change anything? I mean… all you are doing is telling him a story, about him, that he doesn’t know.”

            “Maybe, maybe not. I’ve been trying too tell this story through my writing for too long, and it’s all because it’s bottled up. I need to tell him, for my sake.” Will nods, and I think he finally understands, even though I don’t fully understand anything that happened last summer?           

           

            Shawn and I spend the second to last Saturday of April in my room making a jar of memories for Daniel, and a happy birthday poster. Daniel thinks that we are all going out to get frozen yogurt as the “sophomore squad,” when in reality the team will be showing up at his house while we are out to put the party together.

            We arrive at Daniels house early, and we talk with his Mom, Jill. Daniel brings up a conversation that him and I had when we went to visit Megan after her car accident. We were at dinner, when we all got the invite. I hid my phone from Daniel, so he asked me what I was hiding. “Does Shawn have me as a mock award!?”

            “Yes!” I say, trying to the keep the party a secret, but accidently giving away Shawn’s secret. Oops.

            “Callie, you can’t keep a secret. You can’t lie either.” He laughs as we wait for Kyla to arrive. I just look at Shawn and Jill and laugh when Daniel turns his head. As soon as Kyla arrives, he decides to give us a tour, but he starts taking too long. While we are in the basement, Daniel notices that the downstairs oven is on. “Mom, why is the oven on!?”  He asks as he turns it off, Shawn and I exchange looks of worry. How is he not catching on yet?

            I tell Jill that we really need to leave, and as we go to put our shoes back on at the door, we hear a quiet little knock on the front door. Confused, Daniel opens it, and we see Megan walk through the door.

            “What are you doing here!?” Daniel asks, giving her a hug. Shawn puts one finger to his lips.

            “Umm…”

            “I forgot to tell you, Megan said that she would be in the area, so I invited her to come get froyo with us. Is that okay? Or was this just a sophomores thing?”

            “No that’s cool!” Daniel says, “well, lets go get some frozen yogurt! Where did you park by the way?”

            “Oh, just down the street. I wasn’t sure which one was yours?” Megan says, making it up as she goes.

            “Oh, okay. Cool.”

            Shawn and I laugh, “gullible.”

            We come back from froyo, and Daniel drops us off at the door as he pulls into the garage. We run around looking for everyone when we get a group text saying that they are in the basement. So somehow we have to get him into the basement.

            Daniel walks through the door, “hey, should we just chill in the basement?” Shawn asks pointing to the door.”

            “Yeah, sure.” Daniel says.

            He opens the door, and from the sides we hear everyone yelling “surprise!” I watch Daniel’s mouth drop, as he makes his way stumbling down the stairs. I have never seen him cry, but this is pretty close. As we sit around a table minutes later, we start to tell him the story, “it’s all making sense now! So that’s why you were really here Megan!”

            “Duh!”

            He laughs, “so when we were getting dinner when Megan got into her accident and you asked me what I was hiding, this was it.” His mouth drops. l

            “So tell me Daniel, who can’t keep a secret?” He smiles, and laughs. The glow never really leaves his face the whole night, and as we eat the pasta that was in the oven that he turned off. “When Shawn stopped making plans for a surprise party, I stepped up and made sure that we had a plan to get him out of the house, where to put the cars, times and everything else. Daniel, you unknowingly helped out because when we invited ourselves over to your fancy house, you suggested after we get froyo to go back to here and watch a movie. Therefore, we didn’t have to talk you into going home without giving away our motives behind it.”

            As he starts to process everything, we are continuing to eat, “guys…” he stops, looking up and gives a big white smile. “I’ve decided,…” we all look around, knowing that he is going to tell us that he has chosen a school to compete varsity gymnastics with. “I’m going to stay at Eastern. I don’t want to be anywhere if I am not with you guys!” I smile and thank God for everything that he has done.

            Throughout the night we make videos, get hit in the face by birthday hats, make music, watch horror movies, play twister, the dog eats part of the cake and our favorite part of the night was trying to get Daniels face in the cake. “I’m not getting my face in the cake.” He says shortly after singing happy birthday to him, so we had another teammate tap him on the shoulder and ask him a question. He turns to answer the question as Shawn holds the dog-bitten cake right up to the side of Daniels cheek. As he turns to look back at the cake, he see’s Shawn’s hand, tries to back out of the situation he is in, but it is too late, and Shawn his rubbing the frosting all over Daniel’s face.

            That was April.

May 2015

            I have just finished possibly my last practice of the school year as I walk into my living room, and I see my blue dresser sitting against the wall, with boxes stacked on top of it. I walk into my room, and it is already looking bare, and empty. My desk is cleared, with the occasional book still sitting on it. My pink chair has a box stuffed with dresses in it, and the picture frames that once hung on my wall right above my bed were down and packed away. Even my drawer stand looks lighter from over here.

            How has this happened?

            How has it come to this? This time to leave, this time to temporarily move on. How is it that the year is up already? How is it that every spare second we have had has gone to waste, and filled with mostly negative times?

            I take a seat on the couch like I have so many nights before with Zara, as we would sit down after practice, still in our leotards as they engraved their edges into the skin around our butts. We would take a minute to rest, turn on the television and on Monday nights wait for The Bachelor to come on as we hear our boiling water overflowing onto the burner. How is it that those Monday nights are gone?

            Or the Wednesday nights when we would walk to the gym together, to get the key because we are sophomores and we had the responsibility to open up the gym, Zara on Wednesdays and me on Fridays. Those days when we would have to argue with the workers of the rec that our names are on the keys, and that it is located in Sal’s office in the very back, and to please hurry because we are on a schedule and already getting angry texts from other club members to let us in the gym. How is it that those Wednesday nights are gone? Or Tuesday nights after work, when we would head over to Will’s apartment to play cards, or our Thursday night movie nights where we would jump into each others laps at the newest horror movie on Netflix. The days when we would lay in the resi-pit at the end of the beam and talk about her relationship with Tyler, I would ask her, “what am I supposed to do? Just wait? Wait for Daniel, wait for him to become a Christian? Wait for the end of the year when I can see the guy at home? Wait till something actually happens. Is this really what God wants, for me to just wait?” She would wrinkle her eyebrows and say no, but I would know that she is wrong. I was told that it was a time of waiting, and that is what it would be.

            I walk into church and finally start to recollect what happened last summer, I have pushed those memories so far back, and they seem like they were East Coast on a road trip to the West Coast. I wonder if this summer could bring the same feelings back, the ones that last summer brought. I still have to get coffee with Jason, but I am not sure when that will happen. I just think about this school year, and those expectations, the excitement, and the nervous chills that I got when I thought about getting to spend another year with people who finally gave me a place to call home. The things that happened, were all things I knew would happen, the parties, the movies, the coffee runs, shopping, going to Philly, but somehow they all had their own perverse way of getting turned around to make it seem like it meant nothing in the end. And I don’t think it did mean anything. When it all comes down to it, I am left with just questions; can a friendship really change with just one kiss? Yes. Can a friendship really be ruined over a collection of small, but terrible experiences? Maybe. Can one person ruin one year? I’m not sure. Was it ever really her fault or was it my fault for not pouring my own drink that night? I don’t know. Was it my fault for trusting her after she proved that she could not be trusted? Probably. But who had the tactics to trick me? She did. And the biggest question of it all; did any part of this year matter?

            I don’t think so. Daniel didn’t become a Christian, and when I look at him, knowing that he doesn’t have that unconditional love that I have experienced my whole life, my heart gets really heavy, like a rope with an anchor attached. It hurts, like an ache, but it doesn’t matter because I didn’t change his mind, and I know that I can’t, it comes down to his choice, it always has. Continuing, Daniel and I never got together, not even to see what would have made the two of us into something unstoppable. I switched my minor, changed my life, got hurt by my best friend, and in the end somehow it all still worked out to the point where I am standing here at my home church. I spent fifteen years here, and somehow I am looking back on this year, and I am okay, despite the pain people have caused me. I just think, as I stare at the announcements bulletin that somehow I always end up right back here, in this same exact spot, but this time nothing is different about me. Typically, I am just a little bit different every time I return; maybe I have a new scar, or maybe a bigger smile. This proves that none of my efforts at sophomore year mattered, especially if the one thing that breaks my heart the most, didn’t get fixed or when the many things that I cared about, and stood for, got destroyed in a good sequence of bad months. All my efforts failed, and I accept that now, and maybe next year it will matter. Maybe next year when I am not living with Zara, our friendship will be restored, maybe Daniel will come around, but right now it is just another failed and painful school year. I accept that, and I am moving on.

            One thing that I do know is that the times where I stopped and asked God, “What are you doing?” I can see it now. My relationship with Kyla is stronger than Zara’s and mine. Daniel is staying at Eastern, and I can’t say that it is because of me; I know it’s not. But the fact that we made that party happen, I think he finally realized how much we all love him. Those small things. Maybe it just took moving mountains to give us more land for newer and better things, better friendships, better influences, better memories.  

            “Hey Callie!”

            I hear a familiar voice yell behind me, “Hey Jason!” I say giving him a hug that is familiar, and warm, different than Daniels, but it gives off the same comfort and security, “so coffee today after church? I can’t wait to hear that story you are going to tell me.”

            “Yeah, I can drive you there. The Steam Shack?”

            “Sounds good to me,” he smiles, and heads off to his side of the sanctuary as I go to sit with my Mom.

            As service starts, I find that having an empty space next to me really bothers me, I know who I want to be sitting next to me, and it’s not Jason. It’s not Zara either. If he could just come to one service, his life would be changed.

            I sigh, thinking about our conversation in the car, about how he thinks church really goes. How he probably thinks that worship is reading from a hymn book, and not jumping up and down and laughing and dancing sometimes. He probably thinks that the sermons are like lectures, when in reality the new Pastor is quite humorous.

            I think about the night of his birthday party, we snuck out to the back yard and laid on the trampoline together looking up at the stars.

            “What are you thinking about?” He asks.

            “The stars, and how big the universe is.”

            “It is quite indescribable, isn’t it?”

            I laugh, “You know, Indescribable is a sermon by a guy named Louie Giglio on youtube. It’s about the universe and how vast it is, he goes through and shows all these images, he puts them to scale, makes us feel like grains of sand in this entire universe and shows us that we aren’t even in the center of the universe. So clearly the whole universe isn’t meant for us. It has nothing to do with us.”

            “Then what is it for?”

            “Well Louie makes the claim that it is to show off how big God really is, because he can fit the whole universe in his hand, yet we can’t even fathom its enormity.”

            “You really do believe all of that, with no room for doubt. Don’t you?”

            “Yeah… I guess. I mean I have my moments of doubt, the times where I don’t understand God, or what he is doing. Sometimes it takes a while to see what he is doing, why it is all going the way that it is supposed to, but even in my moments of doubt, he is still faithfully there. Loving me every day, believe it or not, the one thing that shakes my faith the most is you.” He doesn’t say anything, and at this point, he doesn’t have to. I’m going to be real with him about my faith because he knows me, and if he has a question, I’ll answer it because although he still has not given me definitive answers, I know him.

            “So what’s going to happen this summer?”

            “Well, I’m going to be a camp counselor…” I say trailing off, I haven’t really told anyone about it, he is the first. I got the job back in March, but I didn’t want to tell everyone just yet. Especially with all the drama going on.

            “That’s going to be fun,”

            “Yeah, and then as soon as I get home from that, I will board a plane to Madagascar for a missions trip.”

            He nods, “things are going to be different next year, aren’t they?”

            “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be the same person I am right now, that’s for sure. Especially after parenting kids all summer, and then whatever God decides to do in Madagascar is going to shake me up a lot.”

            “What do you think he’s going to do in Madagascar?”

            “Eh, I’d like to see a miraculous healing, or I have heard some stories about the Holy Spirit moving, and when the villagers came up to the church, they were getting hit with it. Their buckets of sand and water would dump over, and when they asked what they had sand and water for, the villagers said, ‘well we saw that the church was on fire and we ran up here to save the Christians.’” I laugh, “it’s kind of cool though because in the New Testament, when the Holy Spirit was given to man for the first time, right after Jesus died, rose, and ascended to heaven, the physical mark that the Holy Spirit had come was that there were little like… tongues of fire sitting above their head as they were praying. So it’s kind of cool that they saw that the church was on fire when the Holy Spirit had come. You know? I think God has a funny sense of humor that way.”

            “Hmm,” he says and looks at me. I avoid looking at him until I can’t anymore.

            “What?” I finally say, looking at him. His big brown eyes spread wide, I can see them only because of the porch light in the distance behind me.

            “Remember freshman year when you were going through that terrible break up and you found out about the other girl?” I nod, “you then sent her a message apologizing and saying that you were sorry for hating her for the pain that he had caused you?” I nod again, “I asked you why you did that, and you said, ‘I knew she needed to know that I forgave her’ do you remember that?”

            I smile, “Yeah, then you pointed to me and said, ‘there’s something different about you…’”

            “Then you said, ‘it’s the Jesus you see in me,’ and you walked off.” Daniel turns over to his side so he is no longer looking at the stars but directly at me.

            “That comment had me so confused until now.”

            “Why? You knew I was a Christian.”

            “Yeah, but now that I am lying here, and you are calmly talking about the way that you view life, and what you expect out of God, I can see it. The reason you laugh, and sing and move on from all that Zara has done to you. It’s kind of incredible.”

            “If you want it, all you have to do is ask Dan,” I realize now how natural the nickname sounds. What once sounded weird coming out of my mouth has become a habit, a good habit.

            “Mmm, I like to look before I buy.”

            “You have been looking, for two years now, and you can finally see it. Now would be the time to buy it.”

            “I’ll come back later, maybe it will be cheaper.”

            “It’s free, all it requires is your heart.” I say and as I gently slam my hand to his chest.

            “Give me a little bit because my heart isn’t in it.”

            “Try it on, maybe you’ll like it more?”

            “I think it will look weird on me,”

            “It will feel weird, but it’s like your grandma’s ugly sweater. The more you wear it, the better it feels, the more free you feel, and the more comfortable you are in it, but you have to wear it, otherwise it will sit around, and collect dust. Then nobody else will see how comfortable it is.”

            “Are we still talking about God?” He laughs, and I turn to my side.

            “I am, I don’t know about you.”

            “So how would I try it on?”

            “Come to church with me.”

            “Haha, no.”

            “Why not?”

            “Church isn’t my thing.”

            “It would be the best way to try it on since we don’t have much time left together before next year.”

            “Well then, next year, lets try a different way to try it on. If I like it… I’ll think about coming to church with you. No guarantees on any of this. It’s still not my thing, and I doubt it ever will be.”

            “Fine,” I laugh, “but just you wait.”

            “Why?”

            “Because once God gets a hold of you… he’s not going to let you go very easily.”

             “We’ll see about that.” He laughs, and now we are both lying on our sides, looking at each other. When we stop laughing, we don’t say anything. He moves closer to me, and crosses one arm over me, to lean in. I lean my head left as I know that he is going to kiss me. This is what I wanted, no Zara, no pressure, just us, being ourselves, but something still isn’t right.

            As he is less than two inches from his lips touching mine, I move my head all the way to the left, “I can’t do this unless it’s real Dan,” I breathe out, and he gives a disappointed sigh. “And you know what it would require to make it real.”

            He slowly collapses on me, and I am the one holding him now, as we fall asleep. “It’s your move now,” I think as I kiss his head and close my eyes.

            I come back to reality, now that announcements are over, and it is time to get ready for worship, I decide that I will worship as if Dan is standing next to me, and maybe one day he will.

            After church, I sit here in the pew, waiting to get coffee with a guy that I don’t even know if I am interested in. I will tell him a story, and hopefully he will take it well. I just need his opinion and for my sake, I need to tell him so I can finally write about something else.     

            Jason and I take a seat in the old hipster coffee place with our iced coffees in our hands, and I start my story. We make jokes, and eventually I finish, expecting a decent response with good answers and explanations. Instead, what he says next makes me realize he never fit my standards because I never really knew him. It makes me wish that I were back in freshman year, sitting in the resi pit talking with Zara. It makes me wish that we were back in the hallway at Nationals as I pretended to be asleep in Daniel’s arms, as I got to smell his essential oiled skin, and listen to his heartbeat as he calmed me down. But lastly, it made me question everything between the end of my freshman year and this very moment, and once again it made me question what Daniel and I will be when I return to college next year.